Do Not Be Influenced By Other’s Negative Opinions of You

I have kept a journal for years.  Today I opened the journal and found a quote that I had written down on July 4, 2002.   I had written this quote down because at the time I had just gotten out of a relationship where the person I was with had decided that I could do absolutely nothing right whatsoever.  I remember at the time I was reading a self help book about recovering from bad relationships and this quote had really hit me with a tremendous amount of gusto because I believed it really described what I had been going through.  I remember that day sitting in my backyard in the afternoon and being quite depressed but still looking hard for answers.  When we are in the “eye of the storm” we often do not realize it until someone tells us we are.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another.  It may be intentional or subconscious–or both–but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event.  It is designed to reduce a child’s self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy–unworthy of respect, friendship, and the natural right of all: love and protection.

Inevitably, victims are made to feel guilty–made to believe the abuse they suffer is their own fault.

No one ever has the right to abuse you, whether you are a child or an adult.

Everyone deserves someone to be crazy about them–to nurture them.

–Unknown

What stuck out for me so much about this quote was that I was being told how awful I had been for years.  When people tell us negative things about ourselves we often come to believe them.  In addition to believing these negative statements about ourselves, they are often reinforcing and we continue to do more and more poorly. In the relationship I was in I was told I would never be a good business person, never worthy of respect in the world, never be a good father and never be a good husband.  This has the tendency to be self-reinforcing because the more we hear negative information about ourselves the more we tend to believe it.  I can remember that when I was in this relationship all I wanted to do was escape emotionally and physically.  Were I still in this relationship you might find me as one of those lonely men who sit on a bar stool night after night somewhere.  I’ll bet many of the men who crowd bar stools all over are emotionally abused.  Somewhere in the background of many unhappy and unsuccessful people is some emotional abuse–and it is probably ongoing.

The reason I am sharing such important and “deep” personal information with you is because in some respects you may be “emotionally abused” and I want to offer you insight and support.  You may be emotionally abused in a relationship, by a parent or relative, or by an employer.  Someone around you, or some group around you, may be sharing with you that you are negative and incapable.  For whatever reason, you may be led to believe that you are incompetent and unworthy.  When I think about “emotional abuse” I also think about our jobs and what many experience in certain jobs.  Many people simply are not appreciated in their jobs.  They are told that they are doing a bad job, they are threatened constantly with termination, they are made fun of and they are systematically passed up for promotions.  In addition, they feel a constant sense of inferiority in their jobs.

There is so much happiness and success available for the taking in the world that whenever I see people extraordinarily unhappy with their lives and unappreciated I want nothing more than to intervene with knowledge and guidance.  In my life, once I got out of the relationship where I was emotionally abused everything miraculously changed.  I started excelling in my job and relationships. I got happier.  My relationships with everyone around me suddenly turned incredible. I met a wonderful woman who became my wife and today I am living the life of my dreams.  This is all from spending the majority of my time with someone who believed in me and supported me instead of someone who was against me and my dreams.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is quit a job for your emotional and psychological health.  People who are abused and not valued by their employer should seek other jobs.  Criticism can achieve a useful purpose and motivate you to improve.  However, there are circumstances when employees of various businesses are so individually abused that it rises to a level that is extremely unhealthy and instead of helping the employee improve, it actually serves to diminish the employee and make them feel as if they are not worthy at all.

When you read about things like employees going on rampages in various businesses it is usually an employee who was systematically abused and made to feel inferior by the employer.  One of the reasons we often hear about this in places like post offices is because the employees there feel trapped and as if they have skills that will simply not be valued elsewhere. Given the good size pensions postal employees receive and the fact that the pay is not that bad, postal employees often feel trapped in their jobs.  If you have delivered letters for the past 15 years what else are you qualified to do?  If you are in a situation where you feel trapped and abused like this, in my opinion the best thing you can do is look for another job.  No one should be in a job or position where they are demoralized and made to continually feel inferior.

Whoever you are and whatever you do, you have skills and personality traits that are in demand somewhere.  You need to do everything within your power to take advantage of these skills and traits and put yourself in conditions where you are appreciated.  You have skills and abilities which merit profound appreciation.  You just need to be working for an employer that realizes this. What ends up happening to people is that the more positive news and affirmations they receive the better they typically get at their jobs.  The more people appreciate us the harder we work and the better we feel about ourselves.  If we are in conditions where we are continually made to feel bad about ourselves then the opposite will occur, we will begin to do poorly and continue to do worse and worse.  You need to surround yourself with people who are positive and appreciate you.

About a year ago I was at a conference and spent some time with a man who had apparently lost over 50 pounds over the past year, quit drinking on a daily basis, stopped taking stimulants on a daily basis and gone from emotionally withdrawn to incredibly happy and motivated.  Since I did not know the person he was before I was very curious:

“How on earth did you do this?” I asked him.

“It’s all in the people I decided to spend my time with and not spend my time with,” he told me.

When I thought about this statement I realized that it was no different than the experience I had years earlier.  People’s negative opinions of the world and us can have a profoundly negative influence on us.  This is especially so when we are not appreciated and loved.

Several years ago I was working inside of a law firm and there was another attorney who had been there for at least 10 years.   I could not figure out why the law firm had kept him around so long–or why he had stayed.  All anyone did was talk about how stupid he was and make fun of him.  The associates who had just gotten out of law school also talked about how stupid he was and made fun of him.  The partners did the same thing.  Despite the fact that the law firm was going through what seemed to be a full time downsizing of laying people off and firing them, this guy was never let go.  Incredibly, despite mergers and other events at this law firm and countless firings he is still there today.  The only reason I can figure out for him still working there is that the law firm must enjoy keeping him around to harass.  In actuality he is not that bad at his job. He is, however, someone who has tolerated incredible abuse throughout his career.

What makes this so incredible is that this particular guy was earning (10 years ago) probably more than $250,000 a year.  He has since been promoted and despite all the abuse he suffered has continued to do very well in his job.  I never understood the mystery of this guy and why he tolerated so much abuse.  From what I have seen, there are guys like this in most law firms and companies. I remember another law firm I worked in had a very similar guy like this one as well.  There are people inside every organization who are systematically made fun of and abused while others around them enjoy poking fun at them.  These people are like the “court jester” and it is as if the organizations pile on them all of their issues and insecurities.

In addition to people who are so directly put down and made fun of inside organizations, there are also people who experience a more subtle form of abuse.  They are systematically degraded and put down and their dreams crushed over and over again by their employers.  In the years I have spent studying human performance and what it takes to succeed in a job, one fact that occurs to me is that there are situations which at times make getting out of this sort of abuse extremely difficult.  For example, if you are working in many American small towns it is very hard to find a job as good as the post office and with as many benefits.  Despite abuse, many people stay employed in the post office year after year.

Last night I was watching a special about General Motors and the problems this company has been experiencing for decades.  As part of the special, they were showing the numerous suppliers and others scattered throughout the United States who were dependent upon GM for business.  What made this so interesting was that the suppliers were often in small towns with no other employers and in some cases a supplier might only employ a few people.  I thought about this and what it would mean if you worked for one of these suppliers.  Some of the people that were featured had worked for certain suppliers for 20 or more years and they lived in small communities that had existed for a long time on the income generated by the suppliers.  In addition, many of the people working in these factories only knew how to do one thing.  For example, they may operate a certain machine that makes bolts.

Imagine doing something like this for 20 or more years.

Imagine still if you did not like your job and did not have any other skills.

Imagine if the people at work were not nice to you and you felt abused.  Being trapped in such a position would be absolutely horrible.

You may be in a situation where you feel as if you are being abused and not treated the way you should be treated.  You may not feel appreciated in your current job.  This is something that does no one any good, most of all you.  Many people suffer for years in work conditions where, for one reason or another, they are emotionally abused.

If you are in a work situation where you are not being treated the way you want to be and you feel like you are being diminished and your work not taken seriously, you should probably be in a different situation.  It does no one any good to be in a work situation where they are not appreciated and not cherished for who they are.  The most important thing you have in your life is your self worth and your sanity.  You need to realize that you are an important person worthy of incredible respect.