Comments on: Do Not Be Controlled By Your Need to Feel Significant http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/ Sun, 12 Feb 2012 19:57:42 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Geraldine Waugh http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-26229 Geraldine Waugh Sun, 04 Sep 2011 08:21:46 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-26229 Dear Harrison, What you say is so true. Although I have legal qualifications, it is very important for me to engage in work which is valuable in itself and of service in some way to other people (a bonus). I am fully committed to civil liberties and human rights, as the principles embodied can and must be given practical effect in our world. As for the need to be significant, we are ultimately all dead (as John Meynard Keynes stated,)insignificant and significant alike. What matters is service to humanity. Best wishes Geraldine (resident of Scotland) Dear Harrison,
What you say is so true. Although I have legal qualifications, it is very important for me to engage in work which is valuable in itself and of service in some way to other people (a bonus). I am fully committed to civil liberties and human rights, as the principles embodied can and must be given practical effect in our world. As for the need to be significant, we are ultimately all dead (as John Meynard Keynes stated,)insignificant and significant alike. What matters is service to humanity. Best wishes Geraldine (resident of Scotland)

]]> By: Carla http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-26023 Carla Tue, 30 Aug 2011 22:00:17 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-26023 I read this because I'm upset I'm in a job that has a title of less than what I was, a pay grade this is much less than what I made in my last perm job and I fight bumper to bumper traffic for 29 miles to get to this job. I know I'm the low end of the totem pole when last year as an Independent Contractor, the Vice President said she considered me part of management. But to make ends meet and being tired of spinning my wheels in Wash. DC with HR managers making Legal Secretaries come back 4-5 times before deciding when I used to get hired on the first interview, I just told myself I would take the next person who offered me a job. Now I'm feeling angry -- not really at the low pay or title as much as this terrible traffic and long commute? What should I do? How can I cope ??? (Thanks!) I read this because I’m upset I’m in a job that has a title of less than what I was, a pay grade this is much less than what I made in my last perm job and I fight bumper to bumper traffic for 29 miles to get to this job. I know I’m the low end of the totem pole when last year as an Independent Contractor, the Vice President said she considered me part of management. But to make ends meet and being tired of spinning my wheels in Wash. DC with HR managers making Legal Secretaries come back 4-5 times before deciding when I used to get hired on the first interview, I just told myself I would take the next person who offered me a job. Now I’m feeling angry — not really at the low pay or title as much as this terrible traffic and long commute? What should I do? How can I cope ??? (Thanks!)

]]> By: Ashley Brown Bates http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-25996 Ashley Brown Bates Tue, 30 Aug 2011 03:36:34 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-25996 That was the best reading I have done in years. Thank you for sharing. Without getting into detail, I must admit that this very issue is holding me back and your sharing your experience helps me realize how much my need to feel significant effects almost every moment of the day and almost every interaction I have. I am a contract attorney that has always dreamed of a more significant role in my profession and my frustration about this seems all-consuming much of the time. Thanks again, for giving me some transforming food for thought. That was the best reading I have done in years. Thank you for sharing. Without getting into detail, I must admit that this very issue is holding me back and your sharing your experience helps me realize how much my need to feel significant effects almost every moment of the day and almost every interaction I have. I am a contract attorney that has always dreamed of a more significant role in my profession and my frustration about this seems all-consuming much of the time. Thanks again, for giving me some transforming food for thought.

]]> By: Amy http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-15274 Amy Tue, 11 Jan 2011 11:36:18 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-15274 First of all, I always appreciate your articles. Your idealism and incorporation of Eastern philosophies speaks to me. As a training and development professional, I often share similar concepts with the leaders I coach. My problem is...I keep winding up working for bosses who feel threatened by me and dislike me. I have repeatedly asked colleagues and mentors why I have this problem, and have been told that I am threatening because I am NOT threatening. Apparently, the high standards to which I hold my self accountable - or, as you referenced in this article, when I "focus on the work" - make me threatening...even though I don't hold anyone else accountable to my standards. I seem to be well-liked by most people. But my boss is negatively impacting my reputation by spreading nasty comments and half-truths about me. This is the second boss in a row with whom I have had this problem. Now, I don't really care about getting credit for everything I do - which even my evil boss admits is a lot. I don't care that my bosses have repeatedly "claimed" my ideas. However, my "need to feel significant" comes from caring about getting recognition from my immediate boss - who hates me and finds me threatening. I keep trying to work harder and do more - to no avail. Any advice on how to let go of my need to feel significant to these authority figures who hate me, especially when I don't feel that need with others? Or, any advice on how to pick better bosses? Sincerely, Amy - Chicago, IL First of all, I always appreciate your articles. Your idealism and incorporation of Eastern philosophies speaks to me. As a training and development professional, I often share similar concepts with the leaders I coach.

My problem is…I keep winding up working for bosses who feel threatened by me and dislike me. I have repeatedly asked colleagues and mentors why I have this problem, and have been told that I am threatening because I am NOT threatening. Apparently, the high standards to which I hold my self accountable – or, as you referenced in this article, when I “focus on the work” – make me threatening…even though I don’t hold anyone else accountable to my standards.

I seem to be well-liked by most people. But my boss is negatively impacting my reputation by spreading nasty comments and half-truths about me. This is the second boss in a row with whom I have had this problem.

Now, I don’t really care about getting credit for everything I do – which even my evil boss admits is a lot. I don’t care that my bosses have repeatedly “claimed” my ideas. However, my “need to feel significant” comes from caring about getting recognition from my immediate boss – who hates me and finds me threatening. I keep trying to work harder and do more – to no avail.

Any advice on how to let go of my need to feel significant to these authority figures who hate me, especially when I don’t feel that need with others? Or, any advice on how to pick better bosses?

Sincerely,
Amy – Chicago, IL

]]> By: Will Powers http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-15273 Will Powers Tue, 11 Jan 2011 10:13:16 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-15273 You seem genuine in your desire to help people feel good about themselves and their lives and committed to guiding people toward satisfying careers. What detracts from your credibility is how you are so deeply ingrained in the very social hierarchy you ask your readers to detach from. You're at the top: rich, white, male. In one article you identify as coming from wealthy, white, educated upbringing and remark how twice when you had the opportunity for true leadership you failed. When the business men coordinated to go see women as entertainment you claimed the need to maintain your social position as why you could not politely decline. When the other rich, white kids asserted their race and class privilege by banning the poor, black kids from their party you collaborated with your own group rather than either asking to allow those who were different to be included or by not attending the party yourself in protest. When people get revenge because you disempowered them you attribute your survival to your own superiority. I'm interested in the issues you bring up buy as a potential consumer of your business products I am put off by your over privileged attitude. You seem genuine in your desire to help people feel good about themselves and their lives and committed to guiding people toward satisfying careers. What detracts from your credibility is how you are so deeply ingrained in the very social hierarchy you ask your readers to detach from. You’re at the top: rich, white, male. In one article you identify as coming from wealthy, white, educated upbringing and remark how twice when you had the opportunity for true leadership you failed. When the business men coordinated to go see women as entertainment you claimed the need to maintain your social position as why you could not politely decline. When the other rich, white kids asserted their race and class privilege by banning the poor, black kids from their party you collaborated with your own group rather than either asking to allow those who were different to be included or by not attending the party yourself in protest. When people get revenge because you disempowered them you attribute your survival to your own superiority. I’m interested in the issues you bring up buy as a potential consumer of your business products I am put off by your over privileged attitude.

]]> By: Harrison Barnes http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-12598 Harrison Barnes Mon, 07 Jun 2010 17:40:36 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-12598 Bryan, Thanks so much for the comments and I really hope that my advice has made a difference and you will follow it. --Harrison Bryan,

Thanks so much for the comments and I really hope that my advice has made a difference and you will follow it.

–Harrison

]]> By: Bryan Lubic http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-12594 Bryan Lubic Sun, 06 Jun 2010 16:26:59 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-12594 Thank you very much, Harrison. Very powerful...I appreciate your candor and clear insights. I enjoyed your writing very much. Your concluding paragraph will really help me to offer helpful, and hopefully powerful guidance to others I serve in my role as a career advisor. And it will guide me as well. "You need to understand that your need to feel significant is something that controls your life. The best thing you can possibly do for your career is detach from this need to feel significant and realize how this is controlling so much of what happens to you. More importantly, you need to do the work you love and live the life you want without being controlled by a need to be significant. This will change everything for you and allow you to contribute to the world in a productive way." Thank you very much, Harrison.

Very powerful…I appreciate your candor and clear insights.
I enjoyed your writing very much.

Your concluding paragraph will really help me to offer helpful, and hopefully powerful guidance to others I serve in my role as a career advisor. And it will guide me as well.

“You need to understand that your need to feel significant is something that controls your life. The best thing you can possibly do for your career is detach from this need to feel significant and realize how this is controlling so much of what happens to you. More importantly, you need to do the work you love and live the life you want without being controlled by a need to be significant. This will change everything for you and allow you to contribute to the world in a productive way.”

]]> By: Diedra H. Franklin http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-5831 Diedra H. Franklin Sat, 29 Aug 2009 20:27:28 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-5831 I found this article great, true and convincing. However, I am troubled by the portion pertaining to strip bars. This is a very sad, mysogonystic and unnecessary part of our environment. A lot of women are forced into this by lack of community support and involvement. I wonder when there will be men who write these types of articles who are strong enough, confident enough and enlightened enough to say no thank you and go to their hotel upon receiving this so called after steak dinner offer. This serves in direct opposition to the entire article (which is awesome and refreshing by the way), is a perfect example of what the author is saying NOT to do, and only further demeans, belittles and objectifies women to make a man feel...significant and most obviously more significant than women. Is this not a crime? Is this not the same as the gun scenario? To stay away from negative things is to politely decline without judgement and later explain if one of the guests inquires. We are either part of the solution or part of the problem in our communities. Please realize this is a very big problem which permeates into other areas of life. The sentiment a man has to have to be able to go into one of these places is violence towards women, a view of them being less important, less human and an object for sale which in effect is no value at all. This idea is why we suffer in so many ways such as broken homes, single parents, domestic violence, unequal pay, double standard dating and relationships, ageism, drugs alcoholism, crime and the list goes on. ALL of this stems from what some people pretend is harmless, they have no control over, can't say no, they didn't look and or didn't buy and they are supposedly no longer interested in. The excuses to feed the ego or feel significant are endless, tricky and sometimes hard to detect. We should never be interested in treating one human being as less than another and we certainly should not participate by sitting by, having a few and watching the crowd as crimes against women/humanity are committed. I believe we all have been guilty of this and can do much better. I know I have and can. I found this article great, true and convincing. However, I am troubled by the portion pertaining to strip bars. This is a very sad, mysogonystic and unnecessary part of our environment. A lot of women are forced into this by lack of community support and involvement. I wonder when there will be men who write these types of articles who are strong enough, confident enough and enlightened enough to say no thank you and go to their hotel upon receiving this so called after steak dinner offer. This serves in direct opposition to the entire article (which is awesome and refreshing by the way), is a perfect example of what the author is saying NOT to do, and only further demeans, belittles and objectifies women to make a man feel…significant and most obviously more significant than women. Is this not a crime? Is this not the same as the gun scenario? To stay away from negative things is to politely decline without judgement and later explain if one of the guests inquires. We are either part of the solution or part of the problem in our communities. Please realize this is a very big problem which permeates into other areas of life. The sentiment a man has to have to be able to go into one of these places is violence towards women, a view of them being less important, less human and an object for sale which in effect is no value at all. This idea is why we suffer in so many ways such as broken homes, single parents, domestic violence, unequal pay, double standard dating and relationships, ageism, drugs alcoholism, crime and the list goes on. ALL of this stems from what some people pretend is harmless, they have no control over, can’t say no, they didn’t look and or didn’t buy and they are supposedly no longer interested in. The excuses to feed the ego or feel significant are endless, tricky and sometimes hard to detect. We should never be interested in treating one human being as less than another and we certainly should not participate by sitting by, having a few and watching the crowd as crimes against women/humanity are committed. I believe we all have been guilty of this and can do much better. I know I have and can.

]]> By: Lori King http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-3568 Lori King Fri, 01 May 2009 17:37:55 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-3568 Your article spoke to me in a profound way. The need to be significant is something that so many former working professionals who are now stay-at-home parents struggle with each day. I think you hit the nail on the head by urging people to live the life they want to without being controlled by a need to be significant. I wasn't able to really achieve that until I reached the age of 45. I'm not sure how it happened....it was a slow realization that I can contribute to my community as a parent, wife and volunteer and make an impact, even though I'm not an executive in a Fortune 500 company. The ego is not involved; it's my desire to do good things with the time that I have. Your article spoke to me in a profound way. The need to be significant is something that so many former working professionals who are now stay-at-home parents struggle with each day. I think you hit the nail on the head by urging people to live the life they want to without being controlled by a need to be significant. I wasn’t able to really achieve that until I reached the age of 45. I’m not sure how it happened….it was a slow realization that I can contribute to my community as a parent, wife and volunteer and make an impact, even though I’m not an executive in a Fortune 500 company. The ego is not involved; it’s my desire to do good things with the time that I have.

]]> By: Ian Heller http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/#comment-3567 Ian Heller Fri, 01 May 2009 15:20:02 +0000 http://www.aharrisonbarnes.com/?p=1715#comment-3567 This is fascinating, courageous and insightful article. I hadn't thought much about this need to be significant before, but I think Barnes clearly and compellingly articulates something quite profound. I'm going to forward this to friends and family members. This is fascinating, courageous and insightful article. I hadn’t thought much about this need to be significant before, but I think Barnes clearly and compellingly articulates something quite profound. I’m going to forward this to friends and family members.

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