Your Life Is Controlled by Your Decisions and Your Commitment to Them

Over 20 years ago, I was at a relative’s house in the country, and he made a crazy statement (which he appeared to believe) that all Japanese were Jewish, and that was why they were in the process of controlling all the car manufacturing in the world just like they were controlling the entertainment and banking industries.

My relative was a truck driver in his 50s, and he made this statement as if what he was saying had a certain level of profoundness to it. Under normal circumstances, when not involved in “intellectual” debate, he was a very nice man and good father. The statement was offensive on many levels – it was racist, stereotyping people, and it was just plain wrong. So wrong it was hard to believe.

“Are you kidding? That is not true at all! They are Buddhist!” I screamed. I was about 16 at the time and absolutely amazed at what I was hearing.

He was a big burly man, probably close to 300 pounds of fat and muscle, and he punched me in the side of the head hard enough that he knocked me out. I am not sure how long I was out. Incredibly, when I regained consciousness, he was still involved in this debate with a couple of other people who were talking like nothing had happened. Those men were sitting outside on picnic tables and plastic folding chairs while all of the women were inside cooking. Seeing stars, I took a seat back on the picnic table next to my uncle while I regained my composure.

After a few moments, I looked up at him. “What the hell!?” I muttered, still semi-conscious.

“You need to keep your mouth shut and not talk about stuff you know nothing about!” he said.

I told my mother about this experience when we were driving home. I was incredulous I’d been punched for asserting the entire nation of Japan was not Jewish, and I expressed profound disappointment at being related to these people. My mother is pretty smart. She said something to me I will never forget. A close relative of hers she’d grown up with – I’ll call her “Patty” – had married this man. My mother told me Patty had been very beautiful and also very intelligent when they were growing up. She said Patty could have married any man she wanted to and instead chose to marry the truck driver. In fact, Patty’s sister had married a man who was the owner of a large bank and they lived an upper crust lifestyle with boats, fancy cars, mansions, and frequent extravagant foreign vacations. At family events at Patty’s house, they would look with disdain at the cars on the front lawn and practically shudder at the bad grammar exchanged by Patty and her friends.

My mother told me Patty had much more going for her than my mother ever did or her sister ever did.

“She chose the life she has,” my mother said. “She could have had any life she wanted, and she chose this life. We were actually talking about this after I found out about you getting knocked out because I was a little upset, too. Patty said she could have had a different life, but this is the one she chose.”

Since I was young at the time, this was a pivotal event for me. I realized right then and there we are in complete control of our lives and what happens to us. It is all about what we choose.

We choose the lives we are going to lead and we choose what happens to us. You have the power to choose in your life, and where you are today is the result of the decisions you made long ago. Think back on your life 10, 20, or more years. Where were you back then? What were you doing? Where are you now compared to where you were back then?

We have the power to choose the lives we lead and what happens to us. We choose:

1. Our jobs
2. Our mates
3. Where we live
4. Our friends
5. What we do with our free time
6. The number of children we have
7. How hard we work
8. How healthy we are
9. How we dress
10. What we eat

The number of things we choose is phenomenal. We choose our lives and what happens to us and shape our own destinies. Most people are more interested in blaming outside events and circumstances for what happens to them in their lives. The truth is what happens to us is almost completely the result of the decisions we make. We are in charge of our own lives and our decisions shape our entire existence.

One of the most important times we are forced to choose is when we are in the position of losing a job or deciding between jobs. This is a time when a lot of people find themselves stressed out and are forced to figure out what they need to do with themselves. People react to stress in different ways. Some people start to drink a lot or use drugs. Others start exercising a lot. Others avoid people who may ask them about what they are doing. Your decision about how to deal with stress and your job search is something that can and will permanently shape your destiny and what happens to you in your life. How are you going to deal with losing a job?

When some people lose a job, they decide to sue their employer. While many law suits against employers are legitimate, most I have seen are not. I make this judgment from having been an attorney who represented both employees and employers. People sue their employers because they decide someone other than them is responsible for their job and their livelihood. People make this decision to go after their employer and often spend years not working and involved in a bitter lawsuit. In the interim, they do not even look for a job. In some cases, they do not want to find a job because if they find one they will receive fewer damages from their lawsuit.

Other people who lose a job take a different approach. Instead of being angry with their employer, they may be angry with themselves. They may withdraw and stop trying. They allow this experience to have such a negative effect on them they stop trying their hardest. This is a very common reaction as well.

Others who lose jobs may launch a new business, go back to school, or try to get even better jobs than the ones they lost. These are all decisions as well. You need to choose to make empowering decisions in your life and your career.

In 1980, Candy Lightner’s 13-year-old daughter, Cari, was killed by a drunk driver as she walked down the street. Instead of feeling sorry for her daughter and herself, Lightner chose to found Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) to crusade against the problem of drunk drivers.

“I promised myself on the day of Cari’s death that I would fight to make this needless homicide count for something positive in the years ahead,” Candy Lightner later wrote. Her organization rapidly rose to national prominence and Lightner appeared on major national television shows, addressed numerous groups around the country, testified before the government, and worked to promote new legislation. She chose to take action in a way which empowered the world and made a difference rather than allowing outside events to negatively influence her.

A similar story exists for John Walsh. Walsh is the host of America’s Most Wanted. Walsh was a successful businessman living in Hollywood, Florida, and the partner in an important hotel management company. On July 27, 1981, Walsh’s wife left their son Adam in the toy department of Sears while she went to look for a lamp. Sixteen days later, Adam’s severed head was found in a drainage canal more than 120 miles from the mall, according to an account on the America’s Most Wanted website.

Walsh’s search for justice and his determination to never let Adam’s death be in vain led him to fight back like few other Americans ever have. Although he’s never held political office, Walsh has been the driving force behind major pieces of child protection legislation. His hard work led to Walsh being honored five times by four presidents: Ronald Reagan (twice), George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush. One of Walsh’s proudest moments was when he and his wife Revè stood beside President George W. Bush, as the “Adam Walsh Child Protection & Safety Act” was signed into law on the 25th anniversary of Adam’s murder.

Walsh became the host of America’s Most Wanted after much of his crusade. The story of Walsh is one of someone who made a decision about how to react to a negative event, and this decision made a huge impact on his life and the world. Think about the things that have happened in your life and the decisions you have made in response to them. What have you done with the things that have happened to you? How can you take a negative and use it to empower the world?

People have so many reasons for not succeeding. Most of them have to do with people and forces outside of ourselves over which we have no control. It is how people react to the world through the decisions they make that ultimately empowers us and changes our place in the world. This is what you need to do. You need to make decisions that will empower you and your place in the world.

The greatest weakness most people have is they never make a commitment to back up their decision. Making a decision is the most powerful thing you can do, but it must be backed up with the power of commitment. You can never do anything or reach great heights if you do not commit to what you are doing. Most people never truly utilize the power of commitment.

There is a huge difference between simply being interested in something and committing to it. For example, Lightner and Walsh certainly had every reason to be interested in putting drunk drivers in jail and finding child killers. They committed to something and made a decision they would fight for what they believed in. Their decisions are what made all of the difference.

In 1519, Hernan Cortes anchored his 11 ships off the Yucatán Peninsula. At the time, the Aztecs, who had tens of thousands of soldiers, ruled Mexico. In contrast, Cortes had only 608 men, 16 horses, and a few cannons. Cortes was committed to win the battle despite having so few men. He made the decision he was going to go back to Spain a winner. Cortes ordered his men off the ships and to shore.

In the middle of the night, people screaming “Fire!” awakened the soldiers. They rose from their sleep and saw all 11 ships burning out in the water. The men rushed to the row boats to go fight the fire. But Cortés stopped them. He told the soldiers he had ordered all of the ships burned. They had no way to retreat – that was the message Cortés sent to his soldiers. They had to win. There was no choice.

Under Cortes, just 608 men, 16 horses, and a few cannons conquered the Aztecs. The power of decision, backed up by commitment, made this incredible feat possible. Cortes made sure his troops were as committed as they could possibly be and that they had no means of retreat.

Most of us decide to do something but deep down we keep the possibility of retreat as an option. What I get out of the story of Cortés, and what makes it so remarkable to me, is it shows how many of us never really truly commit to anything and any decision we are making. The people who achieve the most in this life are the people like Cortés, Lightner, and Walsh who make decisions and then proceed to follow through with them. There is so much power in making decisions and making these decisions with commitment. We may have an interest in doing something or want to make a commitment to something. However, very few of us ever follow through. We must follow through and commit. This is the difference between mediocrity and greatness – commitment to a decision.

Many people are tormented by their inability to make a decision and commit. Soap operas are a perfect example of this. Lives are wrecked over and over again by the inability to commit. No one ever knows who they want to be with in soap operas, and relationships are never characterized by commitment. Everyone is always crying, and entire stories are tragic and insane. The only reasons these stories are so nuts is because the characters in them simply can never commit. You need to commit to succeed. You can go back and forth in:

1. Your choice of a mate
2. Your choice of a job
3. Your choice of a profession
4. Your commitment to your job
5. Your commitment to your mate
6. Your commitment to an education
7. Your commitment to being better at what you do

When you do not commit to a decision about what you want to do, however, you will never have clarity. Instead, you will be in a state of perpetual confusion. This is how most people live their lives. Making a decision and committing to it gives you clarity. Clarity gives you power. Most people say words like “I’ll see how it works out” or “I’ll give it a try.” This is not what you should be doing. You should say “I am doing this!” and move forward by taking action. This is the only way to be empowered by your decisions.

There is a huge danger if you do not make decisions about your life and stand behind them: your life will be made and shaped by someone else. This is what happens to most people. They allow their complete existence to be shaped by someone else. Is this really what you want? You should be the one shaping your life and deciding exactly what happens to you. Do not let others and the world decide what happens to you.

The people who become movie stars, presidents, CEOs, and incredible people in different professions do not just suddenly end up in these positions due to a combination of luck and fate. They generally reach these heights of success because they decide this is what they want and make a commitment to it. You need to realize you have the power to be whomever you want when you decide to do this. Decide what you want for your life and take action. The hardest part of life is making a decision and following through with it.

The most amazing thing about your career is it controls so much of what happens in your life. It controls where you live, the people with whom you socialize, where your kids go to school, how excited you are to go to work in the morning, the kind of car you drive, how many days a week you work, how much you work when you are working, and more. Your career is such an incredibly important thing. Where you are today in your career is due to the power of decisions you have made in your life over the past 10 years. You have the power to change the next 10 years and make them even better than the last by the decisions you make today. You need to make decisions that will empower you and create the life you are entitled to and deserve. Start making decisions based on what you want, and do not want, and commit to those decisions today.

Be Committed to What You Do

What You Will Learn There is power in being committed. It is important to commit to your career, to a single employer or to anything that is important to you. Not being committed to your career will deprive you of success. You should not do any sort of job that your heart is not in, and that you cannot commit to.

I am about to provide you some of the strangest job search and career advice you will ever receive from someone who’s in the recruiting industry. One thing you should know about me is that I’m a straight shooter. If I see a pattern repeat itself enough times, I know it’s something that must be true. The pattern I’m about to explain to you is so powerful it could change your career forever. I know it has changed mine.

The secret is commitment.

When I was in my 20s, I had a girlfriend who watched soap operas. She was committed to those shows. She would watch them every single day, and if she could not watch them, she would record them. I’m ashamed to admit that I would sometimes watch the soaps with her when she would catch up on the missed episodes. The one thing I quickly realized about soap operas was they were all about commitment, in that none of the characters could commit. Each person on every one of the shows would get into a series of relationships, be tempted by others, get out of relationships, get married, cheat, and so forth. This was all the soap operas were ever about. The characters would inevitably suffer hospitalizations for nervous breakdowns or horrible accidents (caused by their distractions). Then there would be horrible, drunken, public confessionals, and all sorts of other malfeasance. Moreover, the people on these shows would always be led to believe that, no matter how good their situation was, the grass was greener elsewhere.

Several years later, when I got into the employment market and started recruiting, I began noticing this same soap opera pattern with clients and coworkers. People would leave a job for any lapse, no matter how small. If they were criticized by an employer, I would see them start looking for another job. If someone heard another employer was paying more, they would send a résumé. If their current company or firm were getting bad press, they would start looking for another job. The reasons were innumerable. Some might seem proactive, while others were purely reactionary. One thing seemed clear to me: There was a major lack of commitment in the marketplace. People could not or would not commit themselves to a single employer, or to anything for that matter.

Commitment is key in order to experience any form of success. You should not do any sort of job if your heart isn’t in it, and you can’t be committed. If you are a public relations intern, you need to be committed to that job. If you are the president of a corporation, you need to be committed to that as well. Not being committed to your career will only have negative consequences.

Several months ago, I was speaking with a proofreader in my company, who resigned because she had found a better job across the street, one that paid more. The amount of the pay increase was minimal. I was actually prepared to give the woman a raise, a higher amount than her new job. In our meeting, the young woman explained she liked working for our company, but she needed to make more money because her husband had been unemployed for some time.

I told her I was very sorry about this and asked how she became aware of the new job. She was a nice girl and I was interested in talking to her about this. The job she was doing at our company was very demanding and had required her to take work home at night, and to work very hard for the most part. In response, she told me she’d been freelancing for the other company for some time, and this was how she came to entertain a new full-time job offer.

Once she told me this, I was no longer interested in trying to keep this person at our company. I knew immediately she was not committed to our company to the degree I wanted her to be. She was not someone I wanted on my team.

Your boss (and we all have bosses) wants employees who are committed to what they do.

Whenever I hear someone tell me they are just doing something until they can find something better, I know that person will never really succeed. When I see someone leave a job for trivial reasons, I also know that person will probably not reach the success for which they’re striving. When I see people watch the clock and leave at 5 p.m. every day because they are not really interested in what they are doing, I know those people will probably have mediocre careers. Commitment shines through, and it is easy to see when it’s not there.

Each morning, I read the Wall Street Journal. I spend at least 45 minutes reading it cover to cover. Most of the stories in this publication are about Fortune 500 companies and other such organizations. At least once a week, I see something along these lines written there:

John Smith started out as a repairman for a local office of X company in 1977. Today, he is CEO of the same company, with 18,000 employees in 26 countries and revenues of $4.2 billion last year…

It’s not coincidental I keep seeing stories like this in the paper. Without a doubt, the people who are rising up in these situations are those who are the most committed. When they join a company they join and remain in a committed fashion. They show up to work. These are the kinds of people who grow within corporations. They usually keep their jobs, but if they ever lose a job they will find another job quickly. Their commitment attracts success.

Being committed also has financial rewards. I have several people working for me on salary, whose incomes have consistently risen (more than tripled) in the past 3-4 years alone, because I know they are committed. I know their hearts and souls are in the job. I have recruiters working for our company who make 2-3 times more money than the average recruiter due to their level of commitment to the job.

It’s very common for people who’ve held too many jobs within a short span of time to never find a job in their industry again. This happens to lawyers all the time. It is well known in the recruiting community that if you have had more than two jobs in five years (or even 5-6 over a 20+ year career), it demonstrates a lack of commitment. Even if you can account for the problems you might have had with those employers, it would seem clear that the problem is not your employer–the problem is almost certainly you.

Prospective employers will want to avoid you because they know you will leave them, too. You will find fault with them just as you have found fault with all of your other employers. You will tell the people you work with why you do not like the company. You will tell other potential employers you are interviewing with why you do not like the company. Who needs that? Most employers avoid these sorts of people like the plague.

It pays to be committed not only to your employer, but to your career. Your commitment will come out in everything you do, and you will shine. There are countless stories of the secretary who becomes the president of the company, the guy in the mailroom who ends up buying the corporation and becoming a billionaire, the worker who sweeps up at the auto dealership, who becomes a salesman, then the top salesman, and eventually buys the auto dealership and another, and another, and so on.

All of that comes through the power of commitment.

I am in the employment industry. I love what I do. I want you to succeed. I want to coach you. I am committed to what I am doing.

Are you?

Being Able to Start from Scratch is a Gift

What You Will Learn You can only reach your full potential when you are willing to forget what you know and start from scratch. Changing completely and relearning everything is intimidating and tremendously difficult, but not impossible. Some areas of your life and career could benefit from starting from ground zero and completely rebuilding yourself. Starting from scratch is a valuable gift – what lies on the other side is a better you.

One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to relearn something and become infinitely better at it the next time around.  Few of us ever allow ourselves to do this because we are in a comfort zone, which often does not allow us to move, improve and change. People are motivated primarily by two things, pain and pleasure.  The desire to avoid pain is very strong and keeps most of us from going outside this comfort zone.

When I was around 14 years old, I was exceptionally good at tennis.  I was on the tennis team at a private school my parents managed to send me to, and I always played singles.  A few of my peers at the time were even ranked in the state, and traveled around during their summers, playing competitive tennis.  I never lost against any of these ranked players.  The thing about my tennis game, however, was that I picked up my game in parks and other locations around Detroit with various kids; I never had any lessons.  I also played a lot of tennis with my father on the weekends.  I was wandering around the streets with an old wooden tennis racquet, and just happened to be good at the game.

In contrast to the way I played tennis, my opponents on the tennis court at the private school had the best equipment.  They dressed like professional tennis players and most of them had been taking lessons at private country clubs and other special places, the likes of which I had not seen since the age of 4 or 5.  These kids had all grown up playing tennis and learned how to play tennis the right way.

I worked hard to win the games that I won.  I did not have the proper tennis strokes, and only made my first serve in around 10% of the time.  When it went in, however, scarcely anyone ever could return it.

One summer, my father was going to work in Saudi Arabia for the summer, and he picked me up one evening (my parents were divorced) and drove me over to a local country club.  Once we were there, he spoke with one of the tennis pros and then proceeded to write him a check for $1,000, for him to give me a series of private lessons over the summer.  This was a nice, surprise gesture on my father’s part.  I am sure he did this because he realized that I had a lot of potential in the game of tennis and that, if I were going to get good at the sport, I would need to drastically change my game.

I had my first tennis lesson of the summer and was extremely discouraged.  Before the lesson started the instructor hit the ball with me for several minutes.  He then had me approach the net and told me something I will never forget:

“You are at a crossroads right now.  With your athletic ability you could probably become a professional tennis player.  You could even become a household name.  But your game is not sustainable, and you are going to fall apart if you continue to play like this. You need to relearn everything, and it is not going to be easy.”

The tennis pro told me that I needed to relearn everything I was doing.  I needed to hold the tennis racquet differently.  I needed to stand differently.  I needed to hit the ball differently.  I needed to serve differently.  Everything needed to change.

I started doing what the pro recommended and it was as if my entire game had fallen apart.  I was playing like a 5 year-old with no coordination.  Nothing I hit went in.  Nothing I hit had any power.  The game did not seem fun anymore.

One of the things he taught me was to not hit the ball hard anymore.  Instead, I was expected to hit the ball high and long so it would bounce over my young opponents’ heads.  This was about the only shot I learned.

I ended up getting extremely discouraged.  I did not want to have to relearn all of my strokes.  I was emasculated because I was being told I could no longer hit the ball hard, and everything I had formerly loved the game of tennis, I could no longer do.  All of the passion that I formerly put into hitting the ball was suddenly ineffective under this new way of playing tennis.

I stopped looking forward to the lessons.  Eventually, I stopped going to the lessons completely, despite the fact that the tennis pro would call me on the phone to schedule time with me.

I did not want to play anymore.  I simply did not want to change my game.

I never really played a lot of tennis again after that summer.  I played in a tournament at a public tennis club that winter and won first prize.  However, when I started playing against the seniors and others on the high school tennis team, I realized that they were going to be better than me.  This frightened me away from trying out for the team, even though I am confident that I would have made the team, even as a freshman in high school.

The realization that I needed to completely change how I played took my heart out of the game.  To this day I do not play tennis.  This is because I was confronted with the fact that I could become really, really good at something, but that in order to get there I would have needed to change completely.

The idea of changing completely how we do something is more intimidating and difficult than it sounds.  It is almost impossible for many people to do this.

One of the more remarkable things to me is seeing people who have managed to lose a lot of weight and keep it off.  All throughout the Midwest where I grew up, there are countless people who are a hundred pounds or more overweight.  Many of these people are my own relatives.  Year after year, these people continue to get larger and larger.  They suffer from all sorts of health problems related to their obesity and they visit doctors who treat these health problems, but not the obesity.  These people die early and do not live the lives they are capable of, due to their weight issues.

Why do these people continue to gain weight and put themselves through this?

I am going to go out on a limb here: it is because they do not want to change.  They need to eat differently.  That is it 95% of the time.  If you eat less, or eat foods that will not cause you to get fat (for example, low carbohydrate foods), you will not gain as much weight.  This is a plain and simple fact.  However, these people are generally more comfortable eating a lot of food and not changing their diets.  I understand this because I am no different from these people.  This concept is no different from me not wanting to change my tennis game.  I was afraid of changing because I would have had to give something up in the process–a part of who I was, and what I believed.

Growing up, I saw many people struggle with alcohol and drugs.  I have never used drugs at all in my life, but I saw numerous people start using them.  Once people start using drugs, they rarely stop, at least in my experience.  I am not saying this does not happen; however, it is generally rare.  Why?  Because not using these substances, once someone becomes addicted, forces the person to give up his or her way of coping and dealing with the world.  Once the person stops using, he or she is forced to deal with the world in an entirely new way.

The person who is overweight faces the same problem.  They use food for coping and dealing with the world, and if they are forced to adopt new eating patterns, they will no longer have this ability to cope.

You may be in a position at the moment in which you are eager to change, to become something better and something different. You may want a new job, or a new career.  You may be faced with being unemployed and not knowing what to do if you are looking for a job.  What all of this is forcing you to do, right now, is to confront the fact that you may need to change–and you may need to do this right away.  I am not talking about a small change–I am talking about a fundamental change that requires you to do absolutely everything differently and alter your entire approach to life and the world.  Imagine if you had to learn to ride a bike again from scratch without any understanding of the way things could be.

I remember when I was on the tennis court and the instructor was trying to show me how to hold the racquet differently and how to approach the game in a new way.  I was hitting the ball all over the place and making one mistake after another.  I could no longer control the ball.  I could no longer hit the ball as hard.  The way I had to keep my feet was very difficult compared to the way I had kept them before.  My grip was different.  All of this was extremely uncomfortable.  What I realized was that when I would hit the ball using the new methods suggested to me by the pro, the results were better and more controlled.  I did not do this often, but I knew that over time I would be able to hit the ball correctly–if I did not give up.  I knew that I ultimately would become a much better player; it was just going to take some time.

There are areas of your life and career that could benefit from starting from ground zero and completely rebuilding yourself.  You have so much potential inside of you, and you could do such great things if you would take just a few things you are doing well, and allow yourself to rebuild your skills in the correct manner, without employing the bad habits, and without doing things an improper way.  You will find you can do much better.

If I had the time in my schedule (and I need to make the time), I would go see a professional coach once a week to help me work on my weaknesses and rebuild.  I currently do this for other people, and should be having the same done for me.  The reason it is important for people to see coaches, psychologists and others is due to the fact that these people can help us reframe our model of the world and show us where we are weak.  Once we see where we are weak, then we can work towards making new progress and completely rebuilding ourselves.

In the early 1980s, my father purchased a computer that he used to write novels.  I would use the computer during the evenings, when he was not occupying it, to write papers for school.  One of the most maddening things that happened with the particular computer that he had purchased for word processing was that it always had the habit of crashing, and I would end up losing all of my files and all of the work that I had done.  This could be avoided by pressing the F9 key while I was writing the paper, but I always forgot to do this and ended up losing an incredible number of papers over the years.

What I noticed over the years was that when I lost a paper and ended up rewriting it from scratch, the new paper was always better than the paper I had written before.  The new paper would always better explain the points it needed to make, be shorter in the right places and longer in the right places.  It would be a much better piece of work overall.  The reason was that the new paper would force me to rethink something from the beginning and make the point in a much more effective way.

It is this way with your life and career as well.  The most beneficial and helpful thing that can happen to many people is to lose a job.  When you lose a job, you are put into a position in which you need to rethink everything and test every assumption.  Some people lose jobs in industries in which they are unlikely to ever find a job doing the same thing again.  These experiences can change the world as you know it.  They also force you to rethink old assumptions.

I read an article yesterday about someone who got a job in an automotive plant at the age of 18 years old, making $60,000 a year. This person is now in his 30s and has lost his job at the auto factory.  He knows that he will likely never get a job like this in an automotive factory ever again.  Because he was making so much money at such a young age, he never saw the need to go to college or to do anything like this to improve himself.  He knew that, even with a college degree, the odds of him getting as good of a job back then were incredibly slim.  So he stayed working at the auto plant and has been there until recently, when he lost his job.  Now he is going back to college.  Going back to college in his 30s is now forcing him to rebuild his model of the world and start from scratch.  How exciting this is!  He may have the skills of a brilliant mathematician or something else inside of him.  There may be so much more that he can do and contribute to the world now that he is being forced to recalibrate and reevaluate his role in the world.  This is an amazing thing.  This young man’s destiny is about to be reshaped for the future, and his career will never be the same.  If he is smart, he will rebuild what he is and what he is doing, and will become an even better and more productive person going forward.

I could have been a professional tennis player, perhaps, had I been willing to change my model of tennis.

People can only reach their full potential when they are willing to forget what they know and to start from scratch.  If you are ever forced to start from scratch, it is often the greatest gift you can receive because what lies at the other side is a better you.

Play Each Day Like it is Your Most Important

What You Will Learn Love the work you do, be focused, and see each day of your life as the most important. Foster a relationship of love and improvement with your work. Focus on the big picture and not on the rewards. Realize that your relationship with your job is an absolute reflection of your character and the sort of person you are.

Most people never do their work the best way they can. To be successful you need to make every single day at work, every single interview, and every single job you apply for the most important one ever.

I want to propose to you a relationship with your work that is one of love, improvement, and embracing everything that you do. Embracing your work is the only way to continually move ahead and to stand out among all of the people out there who are also competing for the life that you want.

There is a reason for maintaining this philosophy: the better you perform each task, the more you will improve in each task. The more you improve, the more praise and rewards will come your way. When you are continually improving at each task, you will always look forward to the next task that lies ahead of you. You need to play each day of your life and career like you are playing in the World Series. Every single moment truly matters.

I was reading an article in the New York Times yesterday about President Obama being on vacation in Hawaii several years ago, and being recognized in a snack shop by a reporter (who was also on vacation). Most politicians would probably not have been too excited about being caught off-guard by a reporter while in the middle of a family vacation.

What happened was surprising, even to the reporter. Obama proceeded to be the nicest and most open guy he had ever met. He sat down and spoke with the reporter about his policies and other matters for some time. Back then Obama had not even announced that he would be running for the presidency. Most politicians would have viewed something like this reporter as an annoyance. Obama was smart enough to realize that you always need to be on. However, I believe it goes deeper than that. I believe people who are truly great in any discipline, and who rise to great heights, are always on.

The article I read yesterday in the Times gushed about this episode. You simply cannot buy this sort of glowing press coverage. Obama realized that if he wanted to be a public figure and a representative of the people, he needed to be accessible. This is what the best people do in every discipline: they live their work and are always on, wherever they are.

Think about all of the people you work with who are frequently stating that “this does not matter” or “that does not matter” right now. People are constantly justifying giving less than a 100 percent performance in their jobs, as if they seek some reason to believe their work is not all that important. This is one of the worst approaches one can take to his work and career.

Several years ago in the United States, people got jobs and typically stayed employed with the same company for their entire careers. They looked forward to annual raises and did whatever they were told to do. It did not matter if they liked their work or not. People did the work they were given within the hours required, and they could look forward to a pension and other benefits years later. They resented their bosses, and they resented their jobs. They did their work simply because it was required of them. They looked forward to the weekends and dreaded Monday mornings.

Today, we are no longer tied to employers like this. Most people move around numerous times in their careers and work for numerous employers. In this modern environment, employees are less loyal to employers and vice versa. We rarely have pensions anymore, and instead we have portable 401ks, which we can move between employers.

Because work is so different today, you cannot afford to dislike your job; whether you like your job or not matters to your employer. There is no excuse for you not to give 100 percent; if you do not give 100 percent, your employer will find someone who will. You have no excuse to not find work you love to do. You can find a job you like, if you just look hard enough.

There are people who will only work hard for an organization if the organization is prestigious or is experiencing financial success. There are people who will only work hard if they feel they are in their dream job with their dream employer. There are people who will only put in their best effort if it looks like they are going to receive a bonus at the end of the quarter.

Let me give you some examples of people like this that I have seen or heard of in the past:

-The lawyer who goes to work at a law firm that is less prestigious than the one he or she used to work for and does not work as hard, because others in the community do not think highly of the firm.

-The person who only puts in a good effort at their job before a performance review is about to occur.

-The decorator who is used to working in the homes of stars and other wealthy people, and gets a job working for a smaller client. The decorator does not promptly return calls or work hard due to the lesser social status of the client.

-The manager who decides to stop working hard the day he realizes he cannot qualify for a bonus.

-The contractor who used to make thousands of dollars a week when the economy was strong, but who suddenly can only find work on small, unimportant projects. Instead of doing a good job, the contractor wastes time and does not apply him or herself to the work that is offered.

-The person who works hard only when his or her supervisor is around.

-The job seeker interested in working for a particular company, who is extremely rude to someone he or she meets at lunch, believing this person cannot help him or her get a job.

-The athlete who gives a horrible performance and does not put out the required effort because he or she does not think the game matters much.

Several years ago, I was at a playoff game for the Detroit Pistons, and I was sitting next to someone who was very knowledgeable about how Dennis Rodman played the game. The person said to me:

“He’s playing his best tonight because this is the playoffs. He never tries this hard in the regular season.”

It is amazing to me that we reserve our best efforts only for certain times. The people who are always on and are always being watched are the people I believe succeed the most and perform the most consistently. I want to tell you a quick story about someone I never knew all that well, but whom I realized many years ago would do well.

I remember walking into my public high school in Detroit when classes were not in session, and seeing a girl going down the hall, picking up various pieces of paper and so forth that were on the floor. The school authorities did not know anyone was on campus; it was the middle of summer and there was no reason for anyone to be there. This girl was the class president, and this sort of work was something I knew that she probably did not ever tell anyone that she was doing. She just did the work to support the school. In the few years I had known this girl, I ha seen numerous examples of her doing things like this, which no one else ever saw.

A few years ago it occurred to me that someone like this was probably famous by now. I had known this girl when I was between 13 and 16, and although I never really spoke with her much about her work ethic back then, her need to always contribute–in the true sense, had a profound effect on me. I knew that this girl was out to better the world.

When I searched for her on the Internet, what immediately came up were tons of pictures of her in Asia, in places like Vietnam, Laos, and other countries–in villages, helping people who were stricken by poverty and disease. There were news stories about her, and a great deal of other information about her online. Twenty-five years ago I probably would have predicted that this girl’s selflessness would have made an impact somewhere. Her attitude towards work is the same now as it was back then.

To be really outstanding in life and in a job does not require that much strain. An extra 10 percent effort is often all it takes to become an extraordinary performer in your chosen field, or an average performer in any other field.

Your efforts need to be focused on the work you are doing, not on how people are responding to it. When we are focused on who is responding to our work, how many people are responding to our work, or whether or not we can get ahead through peoples’ responses to our work, we are missing the big picture. The big picture reminds us that the best performers out there are continually focused on doing the best they can, no matter what. Making each day’s performance the most important ever is something that enables them to constantly improve.

Making the most of each day’s performance also strengthens your relationship with your work, rather than with the rewards of your work. When you are looking at the rewards of your work, you are not giving your work the attention it deserves.

Your work is far more involved and far more complex than any reward you could possibly receive for it. Your work can teach you how to become a better person. When I watch people work, I can see their character coming through. I can see how the way that they treat their work relates to how they treat the people around them. I can see how people think of themselves and also how they think of others.

You need to realize that your relationship with your job is an absolute reflection of your character and the sort of person you are. Those around you see everything you do and every single part of your performance–regardless of whether or not they appear to be watching.

Do Not Be Influenced by Others’ Negative Opinions of You

What You Will Learn You have skills and abilities which merit profound appreciation. The more positive affirmations you receive, the better you will typically become at your job. You should probably look for a different situation if you are being diminished and your work is not being taken seriously. You need to realize that you are an important person worthy of immense and genuine respect and this is the most important thing in your life and your career.

I have kept a journal for years.  Today I opened the journal and found a quote that I had written down on July 4, 2002.   I had written this quote down because at the time I had just gotten out of a relationship in which the person I was with had decided that I could do absolutely nothing right whatsoever.  At that time I was reading a self-help book about recovering from bad relationships, and this particular quote had really hit me with a tremendous amount of gusto, because I believed it really described what I had been going through.  I was sitting in my backyard in the afternoon after the breakup and being quite depressed, but still looking hard for answers.  When we are in the eye of the storm, we often do not realize it until someone tells us we are.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another.  It may be intentional or subconscious–or both, but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event.  It is designed to reduce a child’s self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy–unworthy of respect, friendship, and the natural right of all: love and protection.

Inevitably, victims are made to feel guilty–made to believe the abuse they suffer is their own fault.

No one ever has the right to abuse you, whether you are a child or an adult.

Everyone deserves someone to be crazy about them–to nurture them.

–Unknown

What stuck out for me so much about this quote was that I had been told how awful I was for years.  In the relationship I was in I was told I would never be a good businessperson, never worthy of respect in the world, never be a good father and never be a good husband.  These kinds of messages have the tendency to be self-reinforcing because the more we hear negative information about ourselves, the more we tend to believe it.  I can remember that when I was in this relationship all I wanted to do was escape emotionally and physically.  Were I still in this relationship, you might find me as one of those lonely men who sit on a bar stool night after night somewhere.  I’ll bet many of the men who crowd bar stools all over are emotionally abused.  Somewhere in the backgrounds of many unhappy and unsuccessful people is some kind of emotional abuse–and it is probably ongoing in their lives.

The reason I am sharing such deeply personal information with you is because in some respects you yourself might be emotionally abused, and I want to offer you insight and support.  You might be, or you might have been, emotionally abused in a relationship, by a parent or relative, or by an employer.  Someone around you, or some group around you, might be telling you that you are negative and incapable.  For whatever reason, you may be led to believe that you are incompetent and unworthy.  When I think about emotional abuse, I also think about our jobs and what many people experience in certain jobs.  Many people simply are not appreciated in their jobs.  They are told that they are doing a bad job, they are threatened constantly with termination, they are made fun of and they are systematically passed up for promotions.  As a result, they feel a constant sense of inferiority in their jobs.

There is so much happiness and success available for the taking in the world that, whenever I see people extraordinarily unhappy with their lives and unappreciated, I want nothing more than to intervene with knowledge and guidance.  In my life, once I got out of that abusive relationship, everything miraculously changed.  I started excelling in my job.  I became happier.  My relationships with everyone around me suddenly became fulfilling.  I met a wonderful woman who became my wife, and today I am living the life of my dreams.  This all came from spending the majority of my time with someone who believed in me and supported me, instead of someone who was fighting against my dreams and me.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is quit a job for your emotional and psychological health.  People who are abused and not valued by their employers should seek other jobs.  Criticism can achieve a useful purpose and can motivate you to improve.  However, there are also circumstances under which individual employees of various businesses are so severely and commonly abused that it rises to an extremely unhealthy level.  In these cases the criticism actually serves to diminish the employees and it makes them feel as if they are not worthy of their job.

When you read stories in the papers about employees going on rampages, the story is usually about an employee who was systematically abused and was made to feel inferior by the employer.  One of the reasons we often hear about this in places like post offices is because the employees there feel trapped, and they feel as if they have skills that would simply not be valued elsewhere.  Given the good size pensions postal employees receive and the fact that the pay is not that bad, postal employees often feel trapped in their jobs.  If you had delivered letters for the past 15 years, what else would you feel qualified to do?  If you are ever in a situation in which you feel trapped or abused, the best thing you can do is look for another job.  No one should remain in a job or position wherein they are demoralized and made to continually feel inferior.

Whoever you are and whatever you do, you have skills and personality traits that are in demand somewhere.  You need to do everything within your power to take advantage of these skills and traits, and to put yourself in situation wherein you will be appreciated.  You have skills and abilities which merit profound appreciation.  You just need to be working for an employer that realizes this.  The more positive news and affirmations that you receive, the better you will typically become at your job.

About a year ago I was at a conference and spent some time with a man who had apparently lost over 50 pounds during the previous year, had quit drinking on a daily basis, had stopped taking stimulants on a daily basis and gone from emotionally withdrawn to incredibly happy and motivated.  Since I did not know the person as he was before I met him, I was very curious:

“How on earth did you do this?” I asked him.

“I decided whom to spend my time with and whom not to spend my time with,” he told me.

When I thought about this statement I realized that it was no different than the experience I had years earlier.  People’s negative opinions of the world and about us can have a profoundly negative influence on our lives.  This is especially so when we are not appreciated and loved.

Several years ago I was working inside of a law firm and there was another attorney who had been there for at least 10 years.   I could not figure out why the law firm had kept him around so long–or why he had stayed.  All anyone did was talk about how stupid this guy was, and constantly make fun of him.  The associates who had just gotten out of law school even talked about how stupid he was and made fun of him.  The partners did the same thing.  Despite the fact that the law firm was going through what seemed to be a full time downsizing of laying people off and firing them, this guy was never let go.  Incredibly, despite mergers and other events at this law firm, and countless firings, he is still there today.  I figure that the law firm must just enjoy keeping him around to harass.  In actuality this attorney is not that bad at his job.  He is, however, someone who has tolerated incredible abuse throughout his career.

What makes this so incredible is that this particular guy was earning (10 years ago) probably more than $250,000 a year.  He has since been promoted and, despite all the abuse he has suffered, he has continued to do very well in his job.  I never understood why this guy tolerated so much abuse.  From what I have seen, there are people like this in most law firms and companies.  I remember another law firm I worked in that had hired a similar kind of person.  There are people inside every organization who are systematically made fun of and abused, while others around them enjoy poking fun at them.  These people become like the court jester, and it is as if the organizations pile on them all of their issues and insecurities.

In addition to people who are so directly put down and made fun of inside organizations, there are also people who experience a more subtle form of abuse.  They are systematically degraded and put down and their dreams crushed over and over again by their employers.  In the years I have spent studying human performance and what it takes to succeed in a job, one fact that occurs to me is that there are situations in which getting out of this pattern of abuse can be extremely difficult.  For example, if you are working in one of many American small towns it is often very hard to find a job as good as the post office and with as many benefits.  Despite having to endure various types of abuse (often by customers), many people stay employed in the post office year after year.

Last night I was watching a special about General Motors and the problems this company has been experiencing for decades.  As part of the special, they were showing the numerous suppliers and others scattered throughout the United States who were dependent upon GM for business.  What made this so interesting was that the suppliers were often in small towns with no other employers, and in some cases a supplier might only employ a few people.  I thought about this and what it would mean for someone who works for one of these suppliers.  Some of the people that were featured on the show had worked for certain suppliers for 20 or more years.  They had lived in small communities that had existed for a long time, thriving on the income solely generated by the suppliers.  In addition, many of the people working in these factories only knew how to do one thing.  For example, they might operate a certain machine that makes bolts.

Imagine doing something like this for 20 or more years.

Imagine still if you did not like your job and did not have any other skills.

Imagine if the people at work were not nice to you and you felt abused.  Being trapped in such a position would be absolutely horrible.

You might be in a situation right now, wherein you feel as if you are being abused and not treated the way you should be treated.  You might not feel appreciated in your current job.  If you are being diminished and your work not taken seriously, you should probably look for a different situation.  It does not do you any good to be in a work situation in which you are not appreciated and cherished for who you are.  Two of the most important things you have in your life are your self-worth and your sanity.  You need to realize that you are an important person worthy of immense and genuine respect.

Winning in Your Job Search and Life Means Going Forward No Matter What Criticism You Think You May Receive

What You Will Learn Do not be afraid to act and do not fear criticism. Do not care for what other people are saying or will say. You need to lead and not follow. The winners in this world are the ones who are acting despite what others may say, or are saying.

Every day when I sit down to work in the morning and turn on my computer, I generally receive several emails and comments about the companies I am running and also, for what it is worth, me personally.

• Some people will write me an email telling me I am the stupidest person they have ever encountered.
• Other people will say something very positive and will tell me how something I have done has benefited them and thank me for this.
• Some people will write me an email telling me they hate a company I am running.
• Some people will write and enclose pictures of their family and tell me I have changed their lives through something one of my company’s has done.
• Some people will post a comment on one of our websites saying they love a company I am running.
• Some people will write me psychotic emails that insult me and my family.
• Other people will write emails telling me that the advice I have given them helped their family.

In addition to stuff that appears simply on my desk, out in the world the same thing is occurring.  There are people who are going onto forums and talking about how much they love me and my companies and those who are going onto forums and doing the opposite.

You absolutely cannot please everyone.

Most of us are hungry for praise but detest and fear criticism.  If you attempt to go out in the world and do anything that is productive; however, then you are going to be hated and you are going to be criticized.  In many respects, I feel that the biggest achievers in our world are the people who are not afraid to act and are not afraid of criticism.  Acting and going forward in the face of “criticism” and despite the “fear of criticism” is something that really separates the winners and the losers of the world, in my opinion.  You need to act and do things you know are right for you, your family and the world regardless of whether or not you believe that you may be criticized.

The only people who are criticized more often are the people who are actually doing things in the world.  If you are never being criticized you are never being noticed, and the price for not being noticed is most often much greater than the price for being noticed.

One of the most interesting things in the world is reading about politicians in the newspaper each day.  Since I have been reading the newspaper each day for the past few decades, I have noticed that there are numerous patterns with politicians and others who come into elected office.  For every group of people that admire a politician, there are always a group of people who hate the politician.  The haters write this and that about the politician and hurl one insult after another at them.  I can remember several years ago when George Bush, Jr.  was first elected to the Presidency. I was working in an office tower in Los Angeles one Sunday afternoon, and I opened my window and there was a giant protest of thousands of people going on beneath me in Pershing Square.  People were shouting over loud speakers that he was a “Nazi Executioner,” a “Failure at Business,” a “Racist Hick” a “Coke Head,” an “Alcoholic,” and all sorts of other terrible things that I no longer remember.

How would you feel if thousands of people were shouting things like that about you?  It would not make me all that happy.  Imagine thousands of people doing this?  I cannot imagine it is something you would be all that happy about.  This is what winners do, though.

Winners proceed in the face of criticism.  Winners do not care if they are going to be criticized and, if they are, they go forward anyway.  Winners know they cannot please everyone.

When you try and please everyone you are going to fail.  If a company tries to run a business that pleases everyone, they fail. In order to experience the success you are entitled to in life, it is important for you to choose sides and just do what you think is best.  You are going to upset some people and may get criticized but who cares?  You cannot please everyone.  Action is better than inaction.  You need to take action and take sides to go somewhere.

Does it feel bad to be criticized?  Yes, if you let it.

Will you be criticized if you take sides on this or that.  Maybe, but you cannot worry about that.

What I have found in my experience of working with thousands of people looking for jobs is that most people are frozen with a fear of “how it will look” and “what others will think” if they do something a certain way.  More careers and lives have been destroyed by this attitude than I can count.  The fear people have of criticism holds them back and prevents them from living up to their full potential. It is probably affecting you too. It affects most people.  Those it does not affect the most are the people whose lives you are watching on television and reading about in the papers.  They are living lives that are different from most because they know something the rest of us do not.

Several years ago I was working with an extremely talented partner in a major American law firm.  This partner had been working at the same law firm for about his entire career and he did not really know how to look for a job.  This person had a career that had been characterized by a lot of success and as far as I knew no failure.  The attorney was extremely dedicated and knew what he was doing in the realm of practicing the branch of law he did.  He had a reputation that was considered stellar in all respects among other attorneys and people who he worked with with.

I had seen articles about him in the legal newspapers and he worked with many very famous clients and celebrities and knew them personally.  His wife was also a very important socialite around Los Angeles. I had seen her in the papers as well.  After I started working with him, I started recognizing her in pictures in the society section of the Los Angeles Times for this and that.  (While it was my job to introduce him to law firms, I remember thinking “I wonder whom he can introduce me to”.)

What was missing, of course, was the fact that this particular attorney needed to find a job.  It is one thing to be very powerful and know a lot of very famous people, and it is another to need a job.  When you need a job, the entire world may feel like it has kind of clammed up to many people.  This is not a fun thing, and it is brutal.  It is one thing to be friends with someone, and it is another thing to go to them and ask them about a job.

In the case of this important attorney, for the past 25+ years he had been brutally fighting with opposing lawyers and law firms all around Los Angeles and had been someone to be feared.  That was his job, and he was good at it. Then to go to those same law firms and ask for a job I can imagine made him feel as if he was suddenly telegraphing a sort of weakness he never had.  This is something I can imagine was going through his mind. I do not know; however, I expect it was.

In January of 2000, I quit a job I had with a law firm.  While I had originally given two weeks notice, the law firm told me that I should stay on for the next 12 weeks and at least line up another job if I was unhappy.  I had planned on opening up my own legal practice; however, the law firm encouraged me to speak with recruiters and others to see if I might be happy working in another law firm.  They explained to me that it would be very difficult for me to find a job with another large law firm if I left a large law firm without another large law firm job.  Based on this advice, I started calling recruiters and also friends of mine in other law firms looking for jobs.

I remember how embarrassing it was calling friends in other law firms and explaining to them that I was looking for a job.  I explained that I had quit my job and the people I spoke with did not seem to believe me.  I think they thought I was fired.  After calling a few friends and going through these motions, I decided that I did not want to deal with it anymore.  One of the strangest experiences I had was having a meeting with a Russian man whom I believe was running a Ponzi Scheme and wanted me to work for free for him putting together various investment documents in what ostensibly were oil wells he controlled in Russia.  He said I would then get paid out of investments he and I solicited from wealthy people in Los Angeles.  It is not fun looking for a job, and I did not enjoy this “job interview” in particular.  Relying on friends to some extent to assist me in looking for a job was embarrassing and it allowed all sorts of rumors and stuff to start that were simply not warranted–or true.  At some point I decided I did not want to rely on friends to help me look for a job.

There are good people out there who can help you get jobs, and using friends is a great way to look for a job in some circumstances.  However, the real mistake that I made at this time was even caring what people thought about the fact that I was looking for a job.  This is the same mistake that the partner I was working for was making.  He was too concerned what people in the community and other lawyers would say if they found out he was looking for a job.  He feared the criticism that might come from this information getting out there.

If you are a very highly paid attorney, it is not always the easiest thing to do to find a highly paid job.  All of the skills that make you a highly paid attorney do not always translate into getting a job.  A highly paid attorney is often feared and some make more enemies than friends.  Not all law firms can afford to pay a highly paid attorney.

After he lost his job, the firm was kind enough to give him around four months to find a new job before he had to leave the firm.   During those four months, I spoke with him every few days.  We met for lunch a few times and went over various scenarios.  However, in all of our meetings this attorney was somewhat detached.  I could imagine that the people who worked for him must have feared him a great deal.  He was imposing and someone I could tell was extremely talented intellectually.  However, when it came to what he was doing in terms of looking for a job, I could tell that he was absolutely terrified of what other people would say.  He did not know how to look for a job, and I would tell him what he needed to do and he would sort of sit there looking at me not absorbing what I was saying.

If I suggested one law firm for him to apply to, he would tell me it was not as prestigious as the one he was currently working at.  He was concerned about what people would say if he went to work in a less prestigious firm.

For some reason, he was also embarrassed to be looking for a job.  He was worried what people would say if they found out he was looking for a job, as well.  We met in out-of-the-way places that he had investigated in advance where the only people who would be able to see us in the restaurant would be the waiters.  I think he was embarrassed to be seen with a legal recruiter. He also wanted to ensure that no one would overhear anything that was being said.  I certainly always take those precautions as well; however, in this instance the attorney seemed overly paranoid.

The problem with meeting with this attorney and discussing his job search was that he never took any action.  Two months into his search for a new job he had not even applied to a single law firm yet.  I was unclear if anyone even knew he had lost his job–including his own family.

“If you are going to get another job, then you are going to need to apply some places,” I eventually told him with a considerable amount of exasperation over lunch one day.  “You cannot get a job unless you apply somewhere.”

Eventually I was able to arrange two meetings with him at law firms.  They were unusual meetings that occurred in dark restaurants if I recall around 8:00 p.m. in the evening.  Only after he realized that the law firm would almost certainly hire him after a few hours of dinner and drinks did he agree to meet with the law firm in their offices during the day.  Before he met with each law firm, he made sure that he knew exactly whom he was meeting with and that he did not know any of these people.  He ended up receiving job offers by both law firms, but he also ended up making about 50% of the salary he had made at his former firm.  If he had not been so afraid of what others would say and so afraid of criticism, then he probably could have doubled his salary and gotten 10+ offers at really good firms.  He was afraid to put himself out there, however, and terrified of potential criticism.

The reason this story is so interesting to me is because this was one of the more important attorneys in America, and he was terrified of criticism and people saying bad things about him in terms of the way he looked for a job.  He was a tiger and feared in court, and some of the most famous and powerful figures in the world would seek him out for representation, but when it came to his own life and career, he was terrified.  The difference between not caring what people think in terms of how you look for a job and caring what people thing is something that will give you massively different results:

• I have seen attorneys who led the offices of major law firms be unemployed for years because the way they looked for a job was controlled primarily by their fear of criticism.
• I have seen numerous attorneys leave the practice of law after very good careers because they were afraid of being criticized in the way they look for a job.
• I have witnessed people who went to the best law schools in the United States graduate from these schools and never be able to find a job as attorneys because they did not know how to look for a job and were afraid of criticism.

I see this sort of thing all the time, and I see it because of the job that I do.  My job is to find people jobs, and it is something I take seriously.  Every day, when I turn on my computer, I also receive emails from people looking for jobs that have somehow found my personal email address and want me to find them jobs.  When I check my voicemail each day, there are messages from people who have tracked me down (despite the fact I have not been a recruiter in years) and want me to find them jobs.  Although I am no longer actively a legal recruiter, for years I spoke with all of these people, and I believe that I have enabled myself to really get a good understanding of what it takes for anyone to get a job.  I understand this not because I am smarter than anyone else or have any special knowledge or powers: I see this only because I have seen what works and what does not work.

I believe that finding a job is among the most important moments in our lives and careers.  When everything is going very well, we can go about doing our jobs and be happy.  When we lose our job, a new set of skills come into the realm.  The skill of finding a job is dependent upon not caring what other people are saying or will say.  You need to do whatever you can within your power to find a job, and the more you do and the less you fear criticism, the better job you will get and the more jobs you will get.  You need to lead and not follow.

There are few benefits from doing things the way everyone else is doing and caring what everyone else thinks all the time.  One of the more interesting experiences I have is when I drive down the street–any street–anywhere in the United States.  Here, you will see countless locally owned businesses that are small and have been sitting in the same location for years, if not decades. It may be a hot dog stand, a local carpet store, or something else.  There was a ski store that did this on the corner of the street I grew up on.  Across the street from this ski store, there was a small hardware store that did this.  And a short distance away from this, there was a small bike store and pet store.  A few years ago, I was back in my hometown and went into each of these stores after not having stepped foot in them for over 15 years.  What I noticed is that all of the people who owned these small businesses were still working hard and had aged considerably, but nothing else had changed.

These businesses are metaphors in my mind for the lives many of us lead.  We work, follow the rules, do our best and nothing ever happens.  We stay exactly where we always have been.  The reason this occurs is very few people are afraid to step out and take a stand and do things in a way that will subject them to potential criticism.  Most people are “in hiding” and not really subjecting themselves to everything they are capable of. It is like the partner of a major American law firm meeting for dinner and drinks in a dark restaurant with people who might hire him.  He was in hiding.  Most of us are in hiding.

If you are doing anything worthwhile and that is likely to really set you apart to lead, then it has to be worth criticizing.  Most businesses and people are boring, and that is why nothing ever happens to them.  People who follow the rules and spend their time wondering what others will think rarely achieve very much.  The same thing goes for companies.

Most people are terrified of criticism. I hate getting criticized, but try as I might, it comes every day.

• “That is the stupidest blog posting I have ever read.”
• “People are saying bad things about you.”
• “I have spoken with others, as well, and we all agree that we do not like you.”
• “You an an idiot for saying that.”
• “I feel sorry for your children.”

But here is the thing: Despite the criticism, I keep going.  I push harder and I do more of what I am doing.  I also get more praise than I do criticism, and the praise keeps coming every day.  The more I do what I believe is the best thing, the more praise I receive and also the more criticism.

Most people choose not to be everything they are capable of because they fear criticism.  They fail to apply to jobs they could do. They fail to call friends who could help them with their job search. They fail to run their businesses in a way that makes people take notice. They fail to dress they way they want to. They fail to marry people who they like and are attracted to. They fail to drive the sort of car they want to drive. They fail to live where they want to live. They fail to do the sorts of things they want to do in their spare time. They fail, and they fail, and they fail to do what they should be doing to live the lives they really want to live.  People limit themselves and their lives because they are more concerned about what other people think than what they think, believe and want to do.

Most often just the fear of being criticized is enough to paralyze people.  For most people, the criticism does not even need to happen for people to be deterred from doing something.  People will just not do something or be everything they are capable of doing and being due to their fears about what others will say.  I admit that when people say bad things about me, it is upsetting.  But this does not make me upset for very long.  The reason is because I know that people are noticing something that I am doing.  Lots of people like what I am doing and a few do not.  By and large, however, most people in this world are ignored. I would rather be noticed when I am trying to do something positive for the world than to be ignored.

You need to be noticed in order to get a job. You need to be noticed in order to succeed in a job. If your heart and intentions and pure, then you should not fear what others think. If you are criticized, so what?  When I am criticized for something I write, or a business I am running, I realize that if I had done something ordinary that did not stimulate people to think, there would be no criticism.  No one would care. The things we talk about are the ones that are worth talking about.

As you contemplate your life, you need to ask yourself if taking action is worth being criticized.  If the side effect of being criticized is that you will lose a job or an important relationship, then maybe the answer is you should not do whatever you are contemplating.  However, if the worst that can happen is you will feel bad about the criticism that may or may not come, then you have to compare that feeling with the incredible benefits you may derive from taking an action that could change your career and life.  The rewards for being the best you can be, getting the best possible job and succeeding are huge.  A slight or criticism is something that you will soon forget about.  The rewards for conquering your fear of criticism are huge, and the penalty for fearing criticism is huge as well.  If you fear criticism and run your life around this, you will have an unremarkable career and life and will never be able to be everything you want to be.  How can you run your career, life and job search in a way which others will criticize?

The winners in this world are the ones who are acting despite what others may say, or are saying.  The losers are the ones who are paralyzed with fear and afraid to take action because of what others may say.

You Should Not Dabble: To Succeed It’s All or Nothing

What You Will Learn The key to success is to persistently pursue what you believe in and never giving up. Just push through and get better and better when others around you are quitting. Employers want to hire the person who is incredibly committed to a job and has persisted against odds in one direction when others have given up.

My last helicopter lesson was on a Christmas morning several years ago. I am very glad that I made that my last helicopter lesson.  I had shown up at the flight school around 6:00 am.  The previous evening I had been out pretty late and was not in a mood to fly a helicopter that morning.  I had to go to school at that hour, however, because it was the only time slot I was willing to pay for (it is cheaper to rent a helicopter early in the morning), and I also had a full-time job to be at during the day.

I am going to tell you about something today that very few people do in their job search and life: This is to persevere when things start to appear a little rough.  There is an “other side” to most things that are really worth doing that have large rewards.  The person who perseveres in a job is generally the one likely to get a raise or important promotion.  The person who perseveres in any profession, whether it is acting, academia, sales or anything, is the one most likely to break through to the other side and get huge rewards.  Nowhere is this more clear in the struggle so many people go through when trying to become an actor or actress in Hollywood.  Hollywood is incredible because there are tens of thousands of young men and women all dying to be famous actors and actresses.  Year after year, I meet these people and they are like ants.  They work as waiters and waitresses and do all sorts of things.  You meet them when you are shopping for clothes in stores because when they wait on you, and they are quick to tell you their job is just a “part time thing” while they are waiting to get an acting job.  You see these want-to-be actors and actresses all over the place. In restaurants in certain parts of Los Angeles, probably 85% of the waiters and waitresses are people typically who want to be actors and actresses.

The struggle to become an actor or actress is grueling, and the people who choose this route for their lives face almost impossible odds.  They work jobs they are not interested in and take the money they make and give it to a myriad of acting schools around Los Angeles who are eager to take their money.  They move to Los Angeles from all over the world and stand in lines around the block whenever there is a tryout.  They try to get agents and do everything within their power to get into the business.  Many use people in their struggle to get to the top.  It is a very difficult life trying to become a fixture in this industry.  They sacrifice getting an education and skills for another profession in order to get into the business. The stories about actors and actresses being “discovered” while walking around a mall are rare indeed.  Most of the people who make it in the business are the ones who sacrifice and persist in the face of overwhelming obstacles.  These obstacles include poverty, rejection and a whole host of other things.  For every 1,000 people who go into the business, I would say the odds of one of them “making it” are probably less than 1 of these 1,000 people, or .1 percent.

What happens to most of these people, due to the extraordinary obstacles that they face, is that most of them quit along the way.  Because so many quit, the ones who stick with it and continue to improve their craft are the ones who usually succeed.  Anything that is worth having or doing generally requires incredible obstacles, and the obstacles that are put in our way are what drive us forward.  The same obstacles that exist in the acting world also exist in the legal and business world, for example.  At many large law firms they may hire as many as 100 attorneys fresh out of law school each year.  Nine or ten years later, probably no more than 2 or 3 of these attorneys at most have ended up making partner at the law firm.  Why? Because most of the attorneys get discouraged and quit along the way.  The law firm makes it difficult for them to become partner and puts massive obstacles in their way.  These obstacles include 18 hour work days, the fear of getting fired and more.  Most people simply think it is too much and end up leaving.  Those who stay may end up making $1,000,000 a year or more as partners in the law firm, and those who leave will make a fraction of that–likely for their entire careers.  Obstacles are something that really separate people.

I remember in college the incredible number of kids who entered school wanting to be doctors.  The obstacle to get into medical school then was a class called organic chemistry.  A high percentage of people simply could not make it through this course and, as a consequence, never became doctors.

The world is always asking: “How much do you want this?” If you do not want something enough, and do not continue through, then you will not receive the rewards at the other side.

I know several people who spent their entire college years working very hard to get into law school.  Then they went to law school and worked hard as well.  Then they took the bar exam and failed.  Then they tried again and failed a second time.  Then they gave up and pursued another profession.  The world is like that.  Obstacles are put in our way to make it difficult for us to achieve something.

My mother’s brother had been a decorated helicopter pilot in Vietnam and had spent his career flying helicopters primarily between oil rigs in the Middle East and the Gulf of Mexico.  He had spent the last part of his career flying helicopter ambulances in Toledo, Ohio, and early one morning, while going to pick up a drunk driver who had been in an accident with a doctor and nurse aboard, he crashed the helicopter into a tree as he was coming off of a lake.  He died and so did the doctor.  Somehow and miraculously, the nurse on the helicopter had managed to grab onto the tree during the crash.  She was rescued from the tree among the debris of the helicopter crash. The day my grandmother found out about this tragedy, she died as well.  I am not sure what motivated me to take up this profession which had resulted in so much tragedy for our family.  I guess I felt like I needed to prove something to myself and the lure of flying was something I was incredibly interested in as well.

My past few weeks at the helicopter school had really scared me quite a bit.

First, learning to fly a helicopter is a very, very difficult thing.  It took me about two weeks to learn to control the thing.  A helicopter is not like flying an airplane–it is exceptionally difficult to keep the helicopter from going out of control, and it is an inherently unstable piece of machinery.  I persevered, however, and was eventually flying the helicopter and knew what I was doing.  At this point, I was just putting in hours so I could take a test and get my license.  Notwithstanding, these little helicopters are really scary and a little gust of wind can send them careening a little bit in one direction or another.  Despite knowing how to fly a helicopter, I was never comfortable with them.

Second, I had shown up to school one day and saw a group of men talking in a corner in hushed tones.  The first thing I did, of course, was to walk up to them and see what they were talking about.  It seemed quite unusual to me they were speaking in such hushed tones.

“What’s up guys?” I said.

They all looked at me very seriously and with droopy eyes.

“There was a helicopter disaster at Long Beach Airport.”

Without getting into too many specifics, there was also a helicopter flight school at Long Beach Airport.  Apparently, the manufacturer of the little Robinson helicopters I was flying had convened at a safety demonstration to show off the helicopters.  Two helicopters had taken off at the same time in front of a large audience.  As they were rising, a gust of wind had caught one of the helicopters and it had gone careening into the other.  The blade of the helicopter, caught by a gust of wind, had decapitated the head of the pilot of the other helicopter.  Horrified people on the ground had watched this as the helicopter had spun out of control with passengers still in it and crashed into the ground exploding into flames.   For another 15 or so seconds, the pilot of the helicopter which had decapitated the pilot of the other helicopter had tried to get control of his helicopter.  He was unable to control his helicopter, and it also crashed resulting in a couple of deaths.  The entire thing was apparently incredibly shocking, and even people who had not seen it were shocked by it.  Since this was a safety demonstration, and there were only a few major helicopter schools in the Los Angeles area, this caused me a bit of concern.  In fact, since this happened with the same little helicopters I was flying, I was unsure whether or not it made sense for me to continue.  I persevered, however.

Third, a few days previously, I had shown up for school at 6:00 am (I went to school before work in the morning) and received a real shocker.  I was the only one at the helicopter school brave enough to take lessons at 6:00 am.  The school had three helicopters, and when I showed up each morning, the helicopters were always right there in front of the school.  One morning I showed up, and there were only two helicopters.

“Where’s the other helicopter,” I asked the head of the school as he was opening up the office of the school.

“We lost it yesterday.  It crashed a few miles from here.  Thank God only the pilot was killed.”

I was absolutely amazed.  The man seemed so casual about everything.  What had happened to the helicopter was even more astonishing.  The R22 helicopter I was flying has a manual carburetor .  When it is cold, you must pull this while you are flying to prevent ice from developing in the carburetor.  Apparently, someone was flying around in this helicopter and forgot to pull the carburetor heater and the fuel froze.  The helicopter lost power, and they went plunging to earth and died.

On this Christmas morning, I was already starting to be a little freaked out around helicopters due to all of the accidents I had heard about recently.  My instructor was a nuclear engineer who had gone to MIT and worked for an aerospace company in Los Angeles designing propulsion systems.  He taught me how to fly helicopters every morning before he went to work.  He was incredibly uptight and incredibly nerdy. Without boring you too much, on that Christmas morning, I started the helicopter and did not follow some sort of procedure he had mandated needed to be followed every single time the helicopter was started.  He went absolutely ballistic and started screaming at me and lost his cool.

“You know what,” I said.  “This is too much.  Let’s call it a day.”

That was the last time I ever went near a helicopter, and I stopped just at the “cusp” of becoming a licensed helicopter pilot.  That was probably a stupid thing to do because, if I had persisted, I would have a skill I could use forever.  But I quit, and I am pretty confident I will never go back.

There are not a lot of helicopter pilots out there, and the reason is because of people like me.  Most people who start out trying to learn how to fly a helicopter quit like I did.  They get frightened, the work becomes too much, the cost becomes too much, and more.  Therefore, helicopter pilots become scarce, and this is precisely what the market wants.  I remember my uncle was able to make $120,000 a year in the mid-1980s flying helicopters in the Middle East.  When you do something that few people persist with, you can get really serious rewards.

The list of things that I have started and not completed boggles my mind.  You probably have a similar list of things as well:

• Piano lessons
• Being an attorney
• Going to business school
• Surfing
• Being an asphalt contractor
• Yoga teacher school
• Being a full-time legal recruiter
• Restoring a car
• Calling former business associates at least once every six months
• Businesses
• Restoring a boat
• Friendships and relationships
• Exercise at 6:30 am every morning
• Reading certain books
• Gardening
• Going hiking once a week
• Meditation
• Tennis lessons
• Being a law professor

One of the things I have noticed with every business I have ever worked in and started is that there is generally a period of hardship.  After you start the business and get going, there tends to be a time where the going gets really tough.  It is easy to start anything, but it is more difficult to finish something and really get it going. It is like my experience learning to fly a helicopter:  I analyzed the conditions around me, and I just stop trying and quit.  This is what most businesses do, and it is why most businesses fail.  It is easy to rent a storefront and declare you are selling dresses, or whatever your business may be.  It is easy to say that you are starting a business online and get a website built.  However, when businesses are faced with challenges–a slow economy, payroll, problems getting inventory, etc.–most of them give up.  I heard recently that something like 98% of all businesses are out of business more than a decade after they start.  This is an incredible percentage and something that is so massive it is difficult to believe.  But it is true.  Less than one in 50 companies continue more than 10 years.

We often quit at just the last moment before we have actually succeeded.  This is something everyone does.  We do this with many, many things.  So many of us just decide at some point not to push through and not to keep going even when a little bit of extra effort would push us through.  We do this in relationships.  We do this with exercise.  We do this with learning.  We do this with diets.  We do this with so many things.

We tell ourselves that if something hurts we should stop.  This is a huge mistake that an incredible number of people make, and it is something that holds them back.

I remember when I was in high school, I played defensive tackle on the football team. I was a big guy and defensive tackles were always expected to be slow.  However, when our football coach would make all of the players run laps around the track I would always be first. I was not afraid of the pain of running harder than the other players who were more suited to long-distance running than I was.  I fought through the pain.  I also learned how to lift weights when I was playing football.  When you are lifting weights and doing so competitively, essentially what you are doing is taking your muscles to the point of “failure” where they can push no more, and where it is physically impossible for them to go on.  What most people do, however, is they never end up pushing their muscles to failure.  Instead, they just go through the motions because they are afraid of the incredible pain that this sort of failure brings to their muscles.  They are in pain and get scared and stop.  The bodies of weight lifters you see on television or on the cover of magazines are people who learned how to push through that pain.  The incredible muscles they have on them are the result of this pain.

When you see 85-pound supermodels and stars on the cover of magazines, they too are people who know how to push through pain.  They know how to not eat and put themselves through the pain of hunger.  The result on the other side of this, and for the ones who persist, is being extremely thin and looking the way they believe they need to.

It is the people who keep going and push through who ultimately get the best results in everything.  The secret to being incredibly good at everything is pushing through and getting better and better when others around you are quitting.  You need to choose to do something and follow through.

That is all there is to it.

You cannot quit.

You also need to be seen as the best possible choice in everything that you do.

When an employer is hiring someone, they typically have a lot of choices.  In both the best and worst of economic times, employers generally have a lot of choices about the person they hire.  What they are asking themselves when they are making these hiring decisions is whether or not they are making the best possible decision.  They do not want to hire dabblers, or people who are “trying something out”–they want to hire people who are committed and have gone through and over all of the obstacles that most people do not go through.

One of the most ridiculous things I see with people applying for jobs is when they take their resume and redo it several different ways so they look good for different types of jobs.  These job seekers are “jacks-of- all-trades” and will seemingly be appropriate for every job out there.  This is not something that really does anyone much long-term good.  Employers have a lot of decisions when they are making hiring decisions and they rarely want to hire the “chameleon” who looks like they may mildly qualified for a job.  An employer wants to make the best decision they can when hiring, and the sort of person they are looking for is “the expert.” They want to hire the the person who is incredibly committed to a job and has persisted against  odds in one direction when others have given up.  This is what matters.  Employers want experts and people who are the best at what they are doing–they do not want dabblers.  Anyone who is going to hire you is going to want to make sure you are the best they can possibly get in the market.  People do not want to hire people who are casual passers-by at anything.  They want to hire people who are committed and will keep going despite the worst of circumstances.

I had a candidate once who was a technology attorney with expertise helping Internet firms with technology agreements.  She had become an expert in doing this at her first law firm, which was on the East Coast of the United States.  She had done this directly out of law school.  In late 2000, she had lost her job with this law firm because this type of expertise was no longer in demand.  In fact, this particular expertise became like selling ice to Eskimos.  She unceremoniously lost her job with a large American law firm and, by the time she came to me, I felt like it was nearly impossible that this woman would ever find a job doing what she did ever again.  It was my opinion that she needed to try something else.  She was not someone who was interested in my opinion, however.  Despite the fact that she was unemployed, had no money saved, and was living off credit cards, she was traveling around to various conferences around the United States (which at that point had very few participants) to learn about the latest developments in this branch of Internet law.  She was also busy writing articles about technology agreements for various trade magazines.

When I spoke to this woman, I told her that there really was not a lot of work out there for people like her–in fact, there was none that I was aware of.  She told me she did not care because she liked the work and was good at it.   I was so impressed with this woman I told myself I would do everything within my power to help her.  I started working with her and trying to get her interviews all over the United States.  At this point in time, I had some firms that I was close with that would interview people if I simply pushed them to do so.  They liked me a lot and trusted my advice.  It became a little difficult, however, because despite my relationships with these law firms, they were not interested in paying to fly this girl around the United States to various locations.  I did not have any money either at the time.  What I did have, however, was a frequent flier account with miles in it that I had been saving up for probably close to a decade.  I cherished those miles and had never touched them, but there was something about this girl’s passion and her situation that just really moved me.  I ended up cashing in all of my frequent flier miles to fly this girl from the East Coast all over the United States to get to interviews.  I had been planning a summer vacation to Italy with my wife using those miles and ended up not going because I used the miles for this girl instead.  I was that impressed with her dedication.  I had never met the girl and did not even know what she looked like. I just knew that if someone was that dedicated to something in the face of so much diversity, then this was a good thing.

Despite the fact that they did not have any of the sort of work she did, one of the law firms I flew her out to see ended up hiring her.  They did so due to her passion, as well. A year or so later, the sort of work she did miraculously picked up for a few years, and the law firm was well-served having her on board.  Her career thrived for a few years.  Then her law firm (a large national law firm) suddenly went out of business all over the world and closed down all of its offices.

I felt like crying because this time I did not feel like this girl would ever get a job now.  I called her on the phone and she was surprisingly chipper and happy.  She told me that she was going to open her own practice doing this sort of work and already had more clients than she would be able to handle.  I looked at her biography on the law firm website.  She had continued doing what she did before with technology agreements and was now a leader in several technology organizations for attorneys around the Bay Area, had written numerous articles and had become a “go-to-person” for many of the Internet companies in the Bay Area and around the United States.  The last I checked, she had her own law practice and was doing exceptionally well.

What is so inspiring to me about this story is that in 1999 and 2000 there were thousands of attorneys doing what she was doing.  I am aware of only two people who continued this sort of practice when all of this work went away.  One of them is now one of the most important attorneys at Google, and the other is this woman.  Both have been well-served by picking something and sticking to it.  Despite my expertise as a legal recruiter, I remember at the time thinking they were both crazy persisting at what they were doing–but both did, and by persisting, they succeeded in a major way.  Persisting in something you have faith in against all obstacles is one of the most important keys to success.  You should not dabble: To succeed, it’s all or nothing.

You Need to Be Able to Close

What You Will Learn Develop the ability to push the employer to make the final hiring decision. There are a million closing techniques and all you need to do is tap into your instinctual ability to understand what exactly this particular employer requires. Give employers that extra bit to ensure you get the job.

The ability to “close” and get the sale is the most important skill in selling.  It is something that few people know how to do.  Many people can get a consumer, an employer, or others to the cusp of making a purchasing or hiring decision; however, it is the final “push” over the fence to the side of making the actual hiring or purchasing decision that makes all of the difference.

It takes a tremendous amount of skill to sell yourself and get a job.  It takes a tremendous amount of skill to go from someone who is hired to someone who the employer “will think about” or “will be in touch with” or who is not hired.  Your job in getting hired, in getting a better job and when looking for a job, is to push the employer over the fence and make them hire you.  This is all there is to it.  You need to get hired.

There is nothing wrong with developing the skills of a master salesperson and “closer” in order to get the best job you can.  The desire to get a good job and “close” the deal is a desire for employment, which leads to a richer and more abundant life and the desire to better yourself is praiseworthy.  If you do not desire to have a better job and find a job when you are unemployed, you are abnormal.  It is absolutely essential that you give your best efforts to “closing” and getting a job when you go out on interviews and apply to jobs.  If you neglect to do this, you are not fulfilling your duty to yourself to be everything you are capable of being.

When I was around 18 years old and starting the asphalt business, I did what anyone in the business was doing at the time.  I drove around and put fliers in all of the mailboxes in front of every house with asphalt that I could find.  Once I did this, the next step would be to wait for the phone to ring.  I would put around 100 brochures in mailboxes for every phone call I received.

Once someone called me I would then go out and give them an estimate.  I would have to drive to a home at an appointed time, measure their asphalt and write up a complicated one or two page estimate describing all of the work I was going to do.  For twenty minutes or more, the person would want to stand on their driveway and talk about what might happen were I to do the work.  After I gave the estimate I would then hope the person chose me out of the three or four other estimates they might be getting.  Since the work was rarely more than $300, a few dollars here or there would make a difference as to whether or not I actually got the work.  I would then wait some more for the person to call me.  Under this business model, someone in the asphalt business spends most of their time driving around, giving estimates and waiting for the phone to ring, and very little time doing work.

When you are waiting for the phone to ring you are not working.

At some point I decided that this did not make any sense.  I wanted to make money and I did not want to have to sit around not working.  I needed be be able to ”close” people and I needed to be able to close people “fast”.

Instead of waiting for the phone to ring each day, I changed my approach.  I decided I would only try and sell a homeowner on asphalt service once each year.  I would go down a street and knock on every single door and announce that I was going to be on the street the next day, and the next day only.  In return for allowing me to do the work the next day I would charge them half of my normal price for the work.  I would also leave them a bill and they could send me a check if they were satisfied with the work.  This method of closing worked incredibly well.

Here is what I would do.  I would not measure the driveway.  I would drive down the street around 6:00 to 8:30 pm when everyone was home and state the following when someone answered the door:

“Hello.  My name’s Harrison Barnes.  I come down this street once a year doing asphalt work and because I do several driveways at once, I typically save homeowners at least 50% over what they would pay if you called me and I had to come out and give an estimate.  I’ve looked it over and your driveway is something I would normally charge $300 for.  I will be on your street tomorrow and will do it for $150.  I will leave an invoice and you can send me a check when you get around to it.”

Here is what 95% of the people said in response to this:

• “Sure”
• “Yes.”
• “Go ahead.”
• “Please do it.”
• “You’re hired.”
• “Great.”
• “Excellent.”

I was always paid and I never spent more than 5 minutes at each house “selling” and “closing” the homeowners.  Since the product I was selling was my labor, and the stuff I put on the driveways cost only a few dollars per house, my profits were great no matter what I charged.

I went from doing one or two houses on a street each year to doing virtually every single one of them.  My business boomed and I am confident I became the largest residential asphalt sealing contractor in Michigan almost overnight.  Each night I would come home and there would be so many checks in my mailbox the postman would have then banded together with rubber bands.

None of this would have happened if I had not developed the ability to “close,” push homeowners over the fence and turn them from casual snoopers into buyers.

This is about the ability to “close” and get the sale.  In your business the most important ability you can have is the ability to “close”–without the ability to close very little is likely to happen.  You will be on the sidelines and others will be hired instead of you.

It is easy to get in the door anywhere.  Getting in the door, however, is only 1% of the battle.  The most difficult thing to do once you get in the door is to close the sale and move the employer from a “browser” to a buyer.

In a poor economy, the price of things typically starts coming down.  The reason for this is that stores and other merchandisers are doing everything within their power to “close” you and get you from someone who may not purchase something to someone who will.  A short time ago a local Ford dealership in Los Angeles discounted a bunch of new Ford Mustangs by around 50% or more to move them out quickly.  This gimmick works.  When I drive down the street in Los Angeles these days I have been seeing people standing on corners promoting incredible going out of business sales at various businesses, offering 90% off of retail price in many cases.  Low prices are a very effective tool for closing consumers.

One of my favorite scenes in the movies that highlights the incredible importance of closing, is from the 1970s movie, Kramer v. Kramer. In the movie, the protagonist is going through a divorce and is unemployed.  He wants to get custody of his son, but his wife is about to tell the judge in an upcoming hearing that he is unemployed and she should be granted custody.  Ted has to get a job immediately.  He first goes to an employment agency and finds the only job available in the entire city, but the recruiter tells him that now is not a good time to set up an interview.  Ted fights with the man in the employment agency and finally manages to coerce the man into setting up a very quick interview.  Ted manages to get a few minutes with some hiring personnel while they are having a Christmas party on the Friday before Christmas. He goes into the interview and knows this is his one shot.  Here is the dialogue from the movie script

91    INT. OUTER OFFICE, J. WALTER THOMPSON -

      LATE AFTERNOON

      The large room is crowded with secretaries, junior

      executives, researchers, editors, ad-men, etc., etc.

      They all have drinks in their hands and there is a good

      deal of kissing and general conviviality going on.

      THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH ACKERMAN as he steps out of his

      office, closes the door behind him and makes his way

      across the room to MR. SPENCER, the Advertising Director.

      At the moment, Spencer stands with his coat over one

      arm and a drink in his hand talking to a very pretty

      young woman.  Ackerman approaches him, whispers some-

      thing in his ear.  Spencer shakes his head and points

      to his watch.  Ackerman says something else and finally,

      with a look of weary resignation, Spencer excuses him-

      self from the pretty young woman and follows Ackerman

      back to his office.  THE CAMERA FOLLOWS THEM.  As

      Ackerman opens the door to his office, THE CAMERA IS

      ANGLED so that we can SEE past them, into the office

      where Ted stands waiting.

                            ACKERMAN

                      (as they enter)

                Mr. Spencer, Mr. Kramer.

                             SPENCER

                     (not wasting any time)

                So you're the go-getter.  All

                right, you've got ten minutes.

      As the door closes behind them, blocking our view, THE

      CAMERA PANS UP to a clock over the door.  It reads

      five-fifteen.

                                                 MATCH DISSOLVE TO:

92    INT. ACKERMAN'S OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON

      ON A CLOCK--which now reads five twenty-two.  THE CAMERA

      PULLS BACK TO REVEAL Spencer, now sitting in Ackerman's

      chair, his feet on Ackerman's desk.  Ted has just

      finished his pitch.

                            SPENCER

                      (sipping his drink)

                That's very interesting, Mr.

                Kramer.  I must say, it's very

                interesting.  Let me think about

                it.  I'll let Jack...

                      (indicating Ackerman)

                ...know and he'll get in touch

                with you.

      Spencer gets to his feet, starts to retrieve his coat.

      ON TED--as he decides to take a gamble.

                            TED

                Excuse me, I believe you said

                I had ten minutes.

      ON SPENCER--almost at the door, looking around.

                            SPENCER

                Well?

      ON TED--checking his watch.

                            TED

                That means I've got two minutes

                left.  I understand you're paying

                twenty-five.

      Spencer nods.

                            TED

                      (a deep breath, then

                       a real huckster)

                All right, I'll tell you what

                I'm gonna do--I'll take the job

                at twenty-two-five.  Now, that's

                twenty-five hundred less than

                you're offering.  The only thing

                is, you have to say yes right

                now.  Not tomorrow.  Not next

                week.  Not after the holidays.

                It's worth it to me for a

                yes right now and I'll take

                twenty-five hundred less.

      There is a long beat of silence as Spencer and Ackerman

      look at one another.  They were clearly not prepared

      for this.

                            TED

                      (watching them)

                Today only.  One day only.

                Twenty-two five.

                            SPENCER

                Mr. Kramer, can we talk privately

                for a moment?

                            TED

                Certainly.

                                                 CUT TO:

93    OUTER OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON

      ON TED--as he steps out of Ackerman's office, sits down.

      Now, all of the fear, all of the anxiety that he has

      been fighting down comes welling up.  What if he pushed

      too hard? What will he do if he doesn't get a job?

      If Ted Kramer could fall to his knees and pray, he

      would.

      CROSS-CUT WITH THE CHRISTMAS PARTY-- that swirls around

      him.  We notice in particular, one very pretty young

      woman flirting with a number of men.  She is wearing

      a dress with straps, one of them has broken and she

      has patched it with a piece of masking tape.

      Finally the door to Ackerman's office opens and he

      steps out.

                            ACKERMAN

                Mr. Kramer?

      Ted jumps to his feet, starts into the office.

                                                 CUT TO:

94    INT. ACKERMAN'S OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON

      ON SPENCER--He looks at Ted carefully for a long time,

      then:

                            SPENCER

                      (grins)

                Welcome aboard, Mr. Kramer.

      C.U. TED--There is an instant of relief, then, with

      astounding cool:

                            TED

                Well, gentlemen, I'm pleased

                to be with you.

      ANOTHER ANGLE--as they shake hands, say their good-

      byes.  THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH TED as he makes his way

      through the Christmas party that is still going strong.

      Then, suddenly, as he passes the very pretty woman we

      noticed earlier, he turns and kisses her.

This is one of my favorite scenes from the movie because it shows the absolute power of “closing” in getting a job.  In this particular example Ted used money to close.  He also used the power of a deadline.  This is similar to what I did in the asphalt business by telling the homeowners they had to make a decision “right now” and not later. The ability to pressure people to make decision now, and not later, is one of the most important things you can do in “closing.”  However, it is not something that is always going to work in getting a job like it did with Ted.

I would like to tell you a quick story about how I once hired someone and how this person “closed” me to get a job.  It is an unusual story but it is something that taps into something that I believe is one of the more powerful methods out there of “closing” to get a job.  I used to work in Downtown Los Angeles and worked in a building called the Oviatt Building, which was directly across the street from the Los Angeles Athletic Club.  The Los Angeles Athletic Club is a nice club, however, anyone can join for the most part.  I believe at the time it cost $500 to join the club and then cost around $100 a month to keep your membership.  This is in contrast to several other “downtown” social clubs which could cost $30,000 or more to join and sometimes require years of evaluation and references from other members in order to be accepted.

I was perfectly happy with the Los Angeles Athletic Club but the longer that I was around people in Los Angeles and got familiar with the scene downtown, the more I realized there was a giant pecking order among clubs.  In fact, the people who were from the oldest families and the more prestigious people in terms of their professional accomplishments and so forth tended to belong to these more prestigious clubs.  The situation was compounded by the fact that you had to be invited to the more prestigious clubs by a current member, then they introduced you to current members and then a board would vote on you after a certain length of time.  One day I had been with a recruiter of ours from Texas and we had walked into one of the more prestigious clubs to see what it was like and how to join.  We were kicked out of the club and they threatened to call the police since we had come in from off the street.  It was at that point I realized that there was an entire subculture in my midst of extremely private and exclusive clubs in downtown Los Angeles. They were far different than the Los Angeles Athletic Club.

One day I was interviewing a man a few years older than me for a position in our company and the interview ended about 5:00 pm.  The man was from an old WASPY sort of Los Angeles family and was pretty classy and well spoken in all respects.  Generally, if an interview ended around 5:00 p.m. I would take someone out for drinks or to dinner, but on this occasion I simply asked the man if he had plans.  He told me he was going to his club to exercise and I asked him which club.  He informed me that it was the same club that I had been kicked out of with the recruiter from Texas just a few months previously.  He then did something extremely smart:

“Would you like to come to the club with me and have a look around?” he asked.

This is something I was definitely interested in.  He took me to the club and then proceeded over the next few weeks to introduce me to other members.  In the process, I ended up hiring him.  While he was very qualified for the job I hired him for at the time, I am not sure if from an economic standpoint he was someone that made sense for me to hire.  He was a great guy, but at that point the company simply was not at the level where it needed him.  In retrospect, and this is a sad and pathetic thing to say, I think a part of me hired him because I had a desire to belong to his group which I had been an outsider of previously.

This brings me to you and “closing” and getting a job.  When someone is hiring you or making a decision about whether or not they should hire you, one of the things they are always asking themselves is “What’s In It For Me”–or WIFM.  You need to look at getting hired and getting a job from your perspective, and from the perspective of the person who is doing the hiring.  I once heard a well know copywriter, Ben Mack, say something along these lines.  I wrote this down so these are probably not his exact words, but I wanted to share them with you because they are so powerful:

People will follow you anywhere to the extent you encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allay their fears, confirm their suspicions, and help them throw rocks at their enemies.

For the past several years, a great deal of my time has been spent interviewing and working with the very best-educated attorneys throughout the United States.  One of the things you will find in the resumes of attorneys who went to law school from the 1990s onward is that, if they went to most top 10 law schools, they generally have an extreme amount of liberalism in their background.  By this I mean they are extremely liberal politically and were involved in very liberal organizations in college. They generally were the head of these liberal organizations.  Why this is relevant is due to the fact that most of the administrators and admissions officers at top law schools around the United States are extremely liberal as well–I do not know why this is, but it just is. I know this because I have met most of them.  It probably has something to do with the fact that a good portion of these admissions officers were student activists during Vietnam.  If the admissions officers are young, their predecessors were probably activists during the 70s and hired their replacement based on having similar views.

When these liberal admissions officers are making admissions decisions for top law schools they are faced with an overwhelming number of highly qualified applicants.  Accordingly, they need to “look beyond the numbers” when they are making admission decisions.  What I believe happens is that they do everything they can to admit people who share their same ultra liberal views and this is what their “looking beyond the numbers” means.  Admitting ultra liberal students

• Encourages their dreams of a liberal society
• Helps confirm their belief that social action is necessary
• Helps them “throw rocks” at their conservative enemies.

These are the people who ultimately “get the job” and get into many of the best law schools.  This same thing also occurs at most top colleges throughout the United States.  Admissions officers are seeking to admit the most liberal people they can among a pool of similarly highly qualified candidates.

I once worked for a very conservative federal judge.  Most of the people that he hired to work for him were also extremely conservative. I once worked in the office of a law firm where almost everyone was the Catholic religion.  What ends up pushing many employers over the fence is a powerful group affiliation.

Why does this occur and what does this mean for your job search?  People who are offering you a job want to hire people who they believe are part of the same group as them and confirm the way they feel about the world.  This is something that is incredibly important for your potential employers and they will be more likely to hire you, and you will be more likely to “push them over the fence” and close the deal, if you are able to identify with a particular group or cause that is important to an employer.

When I was in high school I remember being invited to a college to spend the night there as a prospective student.  Something very strange happened when one of the hosts (who was a college student) came up to me and said: “You seem too white bread and boring.  This school wants people with passion.”

Actually, I am the opposite, but I was acting very subdued because that is what I thought it was going to take to fit in.  When you are yourself and have passion one way or another, that is something that often closes the deal.  The student who told me I was “white bread” was right in many respects because he was pointing out that the more normal we seem the less likely we are to influence people one way or another.

Pushing an employer over the fence to make a hiring decision is no easy thing to do.  There are a million closing techniques that I could write about, and a discussion over every closing technique could compose a 1,000 page book.  I think you have the ability to close because we all do.  Your ability is instinctual.  What you need to do is tap into your instinctual closing ability and push employers over the fence to make them hire you.  You need to push employers that little extra bit to ensure you get the job.  Anyone can go out on an interview, but only the most talented can actually close the deal.

Find an Employer With Similar Values

What You Will Learn It is very important you share values with your employer and co-workers. You need to work in an environment where people like you and you fit in culturally. You need to insure you are working for an employer who shares your outlook and values. A good environment makes all the difference. It not only supports your values but also reinforces who you are and nurtures you.

In 1997 I was working for a federal judge in Bay City, Michigan.  It was cold and I was working in a rural area that left a lot to be desired.  Even the judge I worked for got the hell out of there when he could to another part of Michigan.  While the judge I worked for was a very nice person, the atmosphere had a certain inescapable formality.  The way I was required to dress for work each day and other rituals that permeated the work reflected this.  There were also some cultural differences that made it clear to me I did not exactly fit in.  For example, there was another person who did the same job as me, and he and the judge shared a lot of the same values.  They were very conservative politically and both came out of solid upper middle class backgrounds. On the weekends, the people in the office would do things like listen to Lake Wobegoden tapes, while I would eat chicken wings at Hooters and go bar hopping.

It’s very important you share values with your employer and co-workers.  The people you are spending the day with should be quite similar to you culturally and value wise.  I hate to say this but it is true.  People get into trouble in their jobs when they do not share the same values with their co-workers. 

When I worked as a garbage man, I really tried to fit in. I did not have the same pressures and did not see life the same way, however.  The people I was working with had been picking up garbage for several decades and I was a kid getting ready to go to college.  Despite my best efforts, the people I worked with were never very nice to me. One even threatened to “cut me up” with a knife at one point.  Working there was like being in a prison.  I never told on the person who’d threatened me with death because being a “snitch” in this environment was not acceptable.

I was very disappointed I did not fit in with the other garbage men.  They knew I was getting ready to leave and despite that fact they were earning a lot more money than me, they knew I was not going to spend the rest of my life on garbage trucks like they were.  Culturally, and in many other ways they shared values that were much different from mine.  One of the reasons the garbage men did not like me was because I worked so hard.  I would run between the houses tossing the garbage bags in the truck and always manage to get the work completed very quickly.  One man would drive the truck and I ride in back throwing in the bags.  I worked really fast and got into amazing shape doing this.  But this isn’t what the person driving the truck wanted.  They were paid by the hour and if I was on your truck that meant you would make a lot less that day.  I think the other garbage men also started to become resentful because management wondered why I could get routes done so quickly when others seemingly could not.

One day I was riding on a truck and puzzling over why one of the garbage men had called me a few names when speaking with the driver.

“You belong in an office,” he told me.  “You have no business working here.”

This really hurt my feelings.  Nevertheless, this is how they perceived me.  This perception was cultural and value based.  Essentially, what I was being told was I did not fit in.  One day after work the manager came up to me and said, “I need to speak with you.”

He fired me.

“You can’t fire me,” I said.  “I have not done anything wrong. I am one of the best workers here.”

“I know, but the drivers do not like working with you.  I have to be concerned about them.”

I proceeded to lecture the manager for a few minutes about why he was making a mistake and he ended up letting me keep my job.  A couple of weeks later he tried firing me again. This time my mother called him.  She was a civil rights investigator for the State of Michigan and had spent her career helping people who had been discriminated against in the workplace.  Thirty years of working at that job gave her some incredible skills.  After that phone call they left me alone.  Sitting alone at lunch and not being liked is not fun, however.  Neither is being an outsider.

The fact of the matter is you need to work in an environment where people like you.  You need to fit in culturally and you need to be liked.  This is the only possible way you can succeed in your job.  If you are not liked at work and you do not fit in culturally there are almost always going to be problems.  This is just how it works.  You may have problems at work that will have nothing whatsoever to do with your work performance. Conflicting values with your co-workers will cause these problems.

Without getting into a lot of detail, I would say I felt stifled in the environment working for the judge.  I am very grateful the judge gave me the job he did and the training he provided me was fantastic.  The judge is also a very good person. The environment I was in was not necessarily to my liking. Also, culturual fit was so poor I soon realized I was very likely to get fired if I remained.  In fact, one day the judge and I were having a discussion about my performance that I thought could lead to my being fired. At that moment I resigned from the job.  The discussion was ostensibly about my performance, but my performance was actually excellent.  The real reason the judge wanted me to leave had to do with the fact there was too much of a conflict between our values.  We were different people and thought in different ways.

If your values are in conflict with your employer’s it does not matter how good your performance is.  Your employer will not be comfortable with you.  You need to be working in environments where you are comfortable with the people with whom you’re working, and vice versa.

After resigning with the judge, I needed to find a job immediately. My original plan had been to work in a law firm where I’d worked during the summer after my second year of law school in New York.  However, the problem was I was expected to start in one year–not now.  My job with the federal judge had originally been scheduled to last for two years. I had suddenly resigned about 11 months into it and I thought I would have a very tough time explaining to the law firm in New York why I was planning on showing up for work one year early.  In addition, the law firm in New York felt a little stifling too.

The absolute worst thing about New York, however, was I had to spend all of my time with my girlfriend’s aunt and uncle.  Every single night we would sit in their apartment doing nothing.  They would play board games and watch reruns of soap operas and I would sit there doing absolutely nothing. It got really boring for me because I had nothing in common with them.  In retrospect, I had nothing in common with my girlfriend at the time either, but that’s a different story. 

Hanging out with her aunt and uncle if I moved to New York was definitely not an option. I decided the smartest thing to do was to find a job on the opposite side of the country, in Los Angeles.

In order to find a job in Los Angeles I did a mass mailing.  I spent several days researching hiring contacts, spent hundreds of dollars on paper at Staples and then I mailed my resume to every single law firm I could find in Los Angeles.  This worked incredibly well.  In fact, the phone practically rang off the hook with calls from various law firms. 

To this day I believe the best way to get a job is to do a targeted mailing.  I say this from experience because it worked for me.  I used targeted mailing to escape Bay City, Michigan and my girlfriend’s family in New York.  Today I operate two companies, EmploymentAuthority.com and LegalAuthority.com (for attorneys), that help people do targeted mailings to find jobs.  These services work incredibly well for most of the people who use them.

A targeted mailing is an outstanding way to get a job for many reasons, the biggest being it allows you to instantly parade your candidacy in front of every single employer you could possibly work for at one time and get the most interviews and offers.  When a mailing is professionally initiated it can really get incredible results.

When I flew out to Los Angeles I went to the law firm of Quinn Emanuel and was immediately love struck. It was an incredible firm and the people had all gone to the best law schools and also worked in large New York law firms.  It was as if they were escaping the stifling environment of New York and creating their own culture.  They had no dress code and people were wearing sandals and Hawaiian tee-shirts.  The people in the law firm also seemed quite happy.

I knew I definitely was going to work there when one of the men interviewing me was chewing tobacco.  He offered me some and I willingly accepted.  For the next 3 years I would not stop chewing tobacco.  I could not believe you could work in a law firm where you would sit in meetings spitting in a cup and flying high on a tobacco buzz.  In one of my interviews I learned an incredible story.  Apparently, the firm had recently made a young attorney there partner after three years – a record.  What made the story so unusual was apparently what happened the weekend before he made partner. I was told he had been out golfing early in the morning with a bunch of Germans who were clients of the firm.  They were all apparently drinking straight vodka and ice out of giant plastic tumblers and having a riot of a time.  At some point he blacked out and didn’t remember what happened.  He woke up behind a Target in a giant dumpster filled with cardboard, naked, with a $20 taped to his forehead.  After learning about this episode two days later, the law firm made him partner.

“That was when we knew he was ready,” one of the partners related to me.  The partners and others I interviewed with in the law firm seemed to take this story as a sign of a good lawyer and looked upon it with approval.  I could not believe my luck in finding a law firm like this.  I received an offer right in the interview.

When I called my girlfriend to tell her about this her uncle answered the phone.  She had taken a trip to Martha’s Vineyard with her aunt and uncle and a friend of theirs who was around 20 years older than both my girlfriend and I.  I’d just received my offer and was sitting in the hotel room enjoying some stale chewing tobacco.  My girlfriend’s uncle told me she was playing tennis with this older man.  For the next several days whenever I called my girlfriend I heard a new story about where she was with this guy.  One day it was tennis and the other it was taking a walk on the beach.

“We’re great friends!” she would tell me when I managed to get through to her.  It seemed unusual to me she was so close with a man 20 years older than her.

Within a short time I found out she was having a full blown affair with this guy that had developed presumably when I was interviewing with law firms in Los Angeles.  When I finally arrived back in Bay City, Michigan she had packed all of her bags and was moving to New York.  She also told me the wedding we’d planned, and sent invitations for just days before I left for Los Angeles was off.

She had very little to say about why all this was happening. I did not know what was going on. I started chewing tobacco from the moment I got up until I went to sleep.  I was so shaken up by all this I would continue my tobacco use for the next couple of years.  For some stupid reason my fiance’ had been using my cell phone to call her new boyfriend. She led me right to him.

“When you get your cell phone bill DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES open it.  Just give it to me to pay.  I made a few calls,” she told me one day when I was on the phone with her, still puzzling over why she had suddenly broken up with me and moved out and cancelled our wedding.  She had taken my cell phone with her on her trip to Martha’s Vineyard.

I had the unusual experience of calling numerous friends and telling them the wedding was off, and I did not really know why she had disappeared.  Many of them had a difficult time understanding me because I was still learning how to talk with chewing tobacco in my mouth.

When the phone bill arrived I did what anyone would do.  I opened it.  There were hundreds of dollars worth of calls to one number.  I called the number and the guy she had been hanging out with in Martha’s Vineyard answered.  When I explained who I was he freaked out and slammed down the phone.  So much for being discrete.  When confronted with this evidence my now ex-fiance broke down.  At first she tried to explain that he had been stalking her and it was so bad the aunt had to go to therapy over it.

“My aunt is really shook up by this guy!  He is a complete stalker!” She told me.  I still to this day do not understand how 3 hour conversations on the phone initiatied by my then fiance between 11:00 pm and 2:00 am amounted to him stalking her.  It must have been some really weird stalking.

When I got to the new law firm in Los Angeles I absolutely loved it.  I loved the people and I loved the work.  While I certainly did not share all of the values with the people inside this law firm, the point is I felt comfortable.  I had ditched a different life and come to Los Angeles to work in a different place.  I made numerous friends there I still stay in contact with to this day.  The time I spent inside the law firm was some of the best time I have ever spent in my life.  This all happened because I found people who shared my values.  The people I worked with inside the law firm appeared to like me as well and I received a lot of positive reinforcement about the quality of my work.

This was a far different experience than I had with the judge.  What this taught me is you need to be in an environment that supports your values and reinforces who you are. A good environment makes all the difference.

When I was in eighth grade I was kicked out of a private school called Liggett in Grosse Pointe, Michigan.  It was a conservative environment that required coats and ties and I did not share the values of the teachers or kids.  When I was kicked out the teachers and others said I should go to a special school for learning disabled kids and they told my parents I would be lucky if I ever went to college.  Two years later I was attending a private school that was considered even better than Liggett called Cranbrook-Kingswood.  The school loved me and told me I was “gifted.” What’s more, I ended up going to one of the top colleges in the United States and did exceptionally well.  I was the same person at Liggett as I was at the Cranbrook school.  What changed was the environment.  One environment supported me and nurtured me, and the other pushed me down and disapproved of me.

Every organization and every person has a different set of values.  Everyone and every group values and nurtures different things at different levels of intensity.  Different organizations value different sorts of things.  For example, some organizations may value creativity over conformity.  Others may value being adventurous over being cautious.  Others may value supporting the worker over the corporation.  People are the exact same way – they have a hierarchy of values they either support or do not support.

You need to understand the priorities of the organization for which you’re working, or are considering working.  The priorities of a given organization are something that will make a giant difference in your success or failure.  People tend to group together with others who share similar values.  This is why Republicans group together and Democrats group together.  If you tried to put a Democrat with a Republican the chances are the results would not mix well.  Their values are simply too different.

The worst thing that can happen is when you do not know who you are dealing with and your values come into conflict.  You need to stand for something and ideally whatever you stand for will be reflected in the employer for whom you’re working. When these values are in conflict nothing works the way it should.  People and organizations have different rules for what success means and for the proper sort of behavior.  You need to insure you are working for an employer who shares your outlook and values.

I cannot emphasize to you enough the benefits of working with a group of people who share your values.  When you are with people who share your values everything changes.  Your contribution and your work is more appreciated.  Most of the reasons behind people losing jobs have to do with a values conflict.  Most of the reasons for people excelling in jobs have to do with a values match.  You want to be in an environment that matches your values.

When I speak with people who appear to be in work environments that support them, I counsel them to remain in their jobs – even if I stand to profit from them moving. Your happiness in life is about finding an environment and a group of people whose values match your own.  This is something crucial that permeates the world.

One of the oldest religions in the world is Judaism.  It has survived for over 4,000 years and Jews have undergone an incredible amount of persecution due to their religion.  You really understand the true power of this religion when you are a non-Jew who gets romantically involved with a Jew.  In college the love of my life was a Jewish girl.  After about two months of dating she was given an ultimatum by her parents not to date me any more because I was not Jewish.  I experienced something similar when I got out of college and dated another Jewish girl.  This sort of insularity is not common to all Jews, however, but it is very common.  It is something that’s enabled the group to survive for thousands of years.  I think the Jewish people believe things will generally only work out between people if they share similar values and beliefs.

In India it is very common for marriages to be arranged between people of similar social groups and castes.  It has been done this way for thousands of years.  Things are done this way because they believe if people share similar values they will be more compatible.  This is just how the world works.

Work for an employer who possesses values similar to your own.  This will change your career and life.

Your Perceptions Will Control Your Outcome and Life

What You Will Learn How you feel is determined by how you direct your mind. You need to control the meaning you give things and the meaning you allow things to have. The rewards for managing your states are happiness and the ability to control your destiny. You need to ensure you interpret things in a way that serves you and does not hurt you. Take charge of your mind to have the career and life you are entitled to and deserve.

When I was in middle school my girlfriend announced to me she was going to be trying out for the cheerleading squad. Our relationship consisted mainly of us riding our bikes to school together each day.  Occasionally, I might call her after school.  The cheerleading squad in our school cheered for the basketball team.  I attended a public high school in middle school and the basketball team was the most important one in the school.  The entire gym filled up with students, parents and teachers every Friday night.  Everyone was very enthusiastic about it.

“You should try out for the basketball team,” she told me.

I had never been good at basketball.  In fact, it was my worst game and not something I really enjoyed.  However, the more I started hearing about this basketball team and what a big deal it was, the more I realized I needed to try out for it if I had any hope of hanging on to my girlfriend.  It was a little bit more complicated than that. 

I had just left elementary school and come to this new school and, because my girlfriend happened to be popular, I was meeting a bunch of new guys and sitting at the right table in the lunch room.  Unfortunately, I realized all of the people she was friends with were also basketball players.  I am not sure how it happened, however, I was hanging out with the basketball crowd.  We were all very clean-cut and got good grades and sat at lunch looking like good kids. These kids were pretty boring compared to the sorts of kids I would eventually be friends with, but I was tolerating it.  Their mothers typically packed their lunches, for example, and they bought milk in the cafeteria. Their sandwiches would be neatly wrapped in wax paper or little plastic sandwich bags and they would have an apple and maybe some chips . My mother had never packed lunch in my life.  I would sit there at lunch with a couple of Ho Hos I bought from the vending machine with some change I’d scooped from the bottom of my mother’s purse.  I have no idea how I fit in with these kids to this day.

I went home and told my mother about this dilemma. I told her I needed a basketball net built immediately over the garage because tryouts were in three weeks.  My mother grew up in a town where athletics were very important, and she had a strange history with obscure sports. I think she’d actually been a state champion in ping pong when she was younger

My mother reacted in a way I’ve never seen when I told her I needed a basketball net.  For example, once I told her I needed a desk in my room and she told me that was nice but I could study on the floor or on the kitchen table.  When a spring came through my mattress that was a hand-me-down from my mother’s mother after she died my mom told me to flip it over.  The basketball net was different.

“Oh my!  There is no basketball net for you to practice on?  We need to fix this right away!”  She grabbed her cigarettes, made a drink, and started calling her friends to get recommendations for contractors and so forth.  She found one that would come over in the afternoon.  I was incredulous because I had never seen my mother react to anything this way.  I went to my room to watch re-runs of Three’s Company.  An hour or so later she popped her head in my room:

“Hurry!!  The sporting goods store closes in 30 minutes.  Let’s go.”  I’ve got some blue collar roots and my mom was very aware of what was important in life.  When we got to the store she purchased me the most expensive basketball backboard they had.  The next morning I got home from school and there was the most professional contractor my mom had ever hired putting the finishing touches on the basketball backboard.  He was going around with a leveler and making sure it was perfectly installed.  My mom usually cut corners with contractors but not this guy.  I was old enough to know he was really good at what he did.

My mom came home from work early to make sure the backboard was installed properly.  She even demanded the contractor install some lights so I could practice at night.

For the next couple of weeks I must have practiced at least three or four hours a day.  I hit shots from every direction I possibly could, I practiced layups and every conceivable type of shot.  I was getting really good at making shots and starting to really enjoy basketball.  Meanwhile, not only did my girlfriend make the cheerleading squad, she was chosen to be the captain.  She rode her bike over to see how I was doing with my practice one Saturday afternoon.

“We’ll both be captains!” she told me with approval.

When the day of the tryouts for the basketball team finally arrived I felt I was ready.  While I had gotten very good at making shots, the thing I had not prepared for was the fact that none of my shooting abilities mattered if I could not make it to the net.  Basketball is as much about footwork as it is about making shots.  The most damaging aspect of my tryouts came when I was running defense against a very good player and instead of slapping the ball I slapped his nose by mistake with the palm of my hand.  Hard.  He fell down to the gym floor with blood pouring out of his nose.  After that I realized I probably would not make the team.  Kids thought this was funny and word of this quickly got around the halls of the school.  I remember walking to class and people jokingly getting out of the way like I was going to clock them in the face.  The guy I had hit showed up with a giant piece of tape across his nose the next day.  I did not make the team.

How we feel about ourselves is all due to what we tell ourselves certain things will mean.  I told myself if I did not make the basketball team my girlfriend would no longer like me.  I told myself my friends would no longer want to be friends with me if I did not make the basketball team.

When you are thinking about your life you need to ask yourself a few things:

1. Is how you feel determined by the economy?
2. Is how you feel determined by how others treat you?
3. Is how you feel determined by how you think others perceive you?
4. Is how you feel determined by the things you own?

The truth is how you feel is determined by how you direct your mind.  The ability to direct your mind and control your emotional and psychological states is about the most important tool you can possibly have. Very few people have the ability to control their minds and their states.  You need to be able to control how you feel about yourself and your emotions.  I read the papers every day and most of the human interest stories I read are about people who are not able to control their minds and their states. Lately I have been reading a lot of stories about people who have been committing suicide due to dire economic circumstances.  These people are not controlling their states.  We also continually hear stories about stars and others who die due to drug overdoses.  These people are using drugs to try and control how they feel, and it ends up killing them.  When I think about people like Chris Farley and Marilyn Monroe, I am thinking about people who, despite an incredible amount of success, could not control how they felt.  One of the best writers of all time, Ernest Hemingway, ended up killing himself.  He, too, could not control how he felt.  Despite a wonderful world around him he did not care.

You really need to control the meaning you give things and the meaning you allow things to have.  The meaning you give things will control the quality of your life.

When my girlfriend found out I did not make the basketball team she did not appear to care at all.  She was really nonchalant about the whole thing and told me she was sorry about this. Unfortunately, the meaning I gave this was quite severe. I immediately assumed she would no longer like me at all.  The next day I told her that I needed to go to school at a different time and did not ride my bike with her to school.  At lunch I felt really out of place with my new friends who had all made the basketball team.  That was all they talked about at lunch.  In class, several of my teachers started talking about the first game.  Despite some decent friendships, I started to feel like I did not belong with this athletic crowd because I hadn’t made the team. I felt like I’d failed horribly. I started blowing off my girlfriend more and more.  I started sitting at other tables at lunch and associating with different sorts of kids.

My girlfriend broke up with me.  I did not really like her all that much so I was not too upset.  I knew it was coming.  I had allowed myself to get really depressed when I did not make the basketball team.  The real low came about a week after the breakup when she called me one day after school and told me she’d bought me a Christmas gift when we were dating and still wanted me to have it.  She showed up at my house with half the cheerleading squad who all watched me open the board game Yahtzee.

“Wow Yahtzee!!  I have always wanted this.”  What a pathetic sight it must have been seeing me open that board game.  I could not hug her.  I could just stare at this board game with 6 gorgeous cheerleaders standing in my messy bedroom with my ex-girlfriend looking on smiling.

In retrospect, I now realize that not much would have changed with my friends, my relationship, and more if I had not told myself my failure to make the team represented something it did not.  Like people who kill themselves because they cannot control their emotions, I, too, could not control my emotions and what I was telling myself.  The thought that crossed my mind was the head of the cheerleading squad would only want to be with someone who was also the captain of the basketball team.  On yet another level, I thought the basketball players would only want to be friends with someone who was also a basketball player.  The more I thought about all this the less worthy I felt and the more I felt like I needed to fit in somewhere else completely.

Within a short time of not making the basketball team I had made new friends who were not athletes and who were more dedicated to getting into trouble than anything.  My grades plummeted and were so bad the next year my parents enrolled me in a different school.  Most of this happened because of what I told myself not making the basketball team meant.

I remember one public high school I attended had a small enclosed courtyard where students were allowed to smoke between classes.  These kids wore jean jackets or leather jackets and grew their hair long.  These were the bad kids.  They also would get stoned out there, and the school must have known about it.  These were all kids who at some point probably had dreams, too, but gave up somewhere along the way and looked for a way out of their presumed failure.  They started smoking and using drugs and living a life of which they could never be proud. Who knows what sent them over this edge.  It could have been a bad grade in an important class, it could have been the divorce of their parents, it could have been a nasty breakup. What I do know is that in the year I attended that school I witnessed kids who were normal and clean-cut go over to the other side and join this group in the courtyard. 

People look for things outside themselves to help people control their states and how they feel. Many people feel like they cannot control their emotions and so they start looking for stuff outside of themselves to help them feel good. You pay a hefty price when you are not able to manage your states and how you feel about yourself.  There are huge rewards when you know how to manage your states.  The rewards for managing your states are happiness and the ability to control your destiny and what happens to you and your life.  These rewards are something that can pay huge dividends.

The problem most of us have is we tell ourselves something means something it does not.

• You may have lost a job and represented to yourself that the reason you lost the job was because you are a bad person.  You may have lost the job because the company had no money to pay you.
• A relationship may end and you may represent to yourself it is your fault when, in reality, the person who broke up with you is working through some psychological roadmap that existed long before you came along.
• You cannot find a job and you represent to yourself it’s because you are not good enough instead of the fact the economy in the area of the country you are in is horrible.
• High school kids become “stoners” because they represent to themselves they are losers instead of just normal kids suffering through problems.
• I sabotaged my friendships because I represented to myself that not making the basketball team meant I would be rejected by my girlfriend and friends.

Even if something does mean the worst, it does us little good to hold on to this representation.  Instead, we should represent the events in our lives to ourselves in a way that empowers us.  How could I have reacted differently to not making the basketball team?  I could have decided I was cool enough I did not have to play basketball every day to date the captain of the cheerleader squad.  I could have told myself despite not being a good basketball player, I could continue to be good friends with the most popular kids in school.  All of these interpretations would have empowered me.  Instead, I represented the opposite.

The meaning you give things is crucial for your career success.  Whatever happens to you in your career you need to choose meanings that make you stronger and not weaker.  Bad things happen to everyone and the messages we receive from the world are often not positive.  The most important thing you can do is choose meanings that are going to allow you to succeed and do even better.  This is what you need to be doing with your career and job right now.  You need to ensure you interpret things in a way that serves you and does not hurt you.

Don’t fail to reach your full potential or mistakenly classify yourself as someone who is not fit to succeed at the level at which you’re capable. This is not what you want for yourself.  You need to take charge of your mind to have the career and life you are entitled to and deserve.

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