Being Nice Makes Good Business Sense

Several years ago I was getting ready to interview with a law firm in New York. It was my first interview ever as a law student and I was pretty nervous. I was trying to get on an elevator as the door was closing and I saw a woman rushing towards it. I reached quickly for the button to open the elevator and was able to get the door to re-open at the last second. The woman got on and told me which floor to push, and I did this for her as well. The woman was very heavy and was not particularly well-dressed. We were going to a very high floor and there were several stops along the way.

At one of the stops, I started looking over my hair because I could see my reflection in the glass in the elevator. I looked up and saw the woman looking directly at me, and she smirked as if to say I looked ridiculous primping in the elevator.

At that point in my life I lifted weights frequently and spent a lot of time at the gym. I taught myself it was important to stick up for myself at all costs. Normally, what I would have done was turn around and tell the woman to mind her own business. On that occasion, however, my nervousness must have gotten the best of me. I turned around and looked directly at the woman.

”Do I look ok? I am going to an interview and I am a little nervous. I want to do a good job.”

The woman looked absolutely stunned. The way she looked at me had invited me to strike out and attack. Instead, I had done the opposite.

”Yes, you do. Just pull your tie up a little. I am sure you’ll do fine.”

This woman ended up being in charge of the hiring committee at the law firm. She was reputed to be extremely difficult as an interviewer and did not like anyone. In my interview, she was very nice to me. I ended up getting the job at the firm and working in this same law firm over the summer. The woman was nice to me during the summer as well and stood up for me. In fact, she was one of the nicest people in the law firm I can remember.

There is really something to being nice. When you are nice to people, you invite them to be nice in return. However, most often we are less interested in being nice than we are in being thought of as important, powerful, or right.

Given the incredible number of experiences I have had over and over again in my life, I am confident there are various forms of energy we simply do not understand. I firmly believe when you send out negative energy, it comes right back to you. I also believe when you send out positive energy, it comes back to you as well.

One of my favorite books of all time is The Richest Man in Babylon. One of the rules in this book is that when you make money you are supposed to give away 10 percent of it to charity or some other good cause. The idea is when you give away 10 percent of your income, you will realize how much abundance there is and you will become less attached to money.

While the book makes this point, and I believe there is truth to it, there is another important point about giving away money as well. When you help and give to others you create positive energy which is directed back at you. There is nothing more important than having positive energy directed back at you. The more positive energy you have directed at you, the better your life and everything in it is going to be.

The word ”appreciation” is, to me, one of the more interesting words in the English language. What appreciation means essentially is positive energy directed towards something. For example, when a stock appreciates it means people are excited about it and its value rises. When you are appreciated it means people like you and the value you bring them. Anything that appreciates takes on more value than it originally had. Things typically take on more value when others are excited about them for one reason or another.

You want to be appreciated. You need to be appreciated. Being appreciated means others are seeing and recognizing your value. When people see your value, you get more opportunities and your career and your life can only improve.

Think about things you appreciate in your life and the people who appreciate you. You appreciate these people and things because of how they make you feel. When we are babies, the only things we think about are our needs and taking care of those needs, specifically our need for food and comfort. We do not yet have the capacity to appreciate the needs of others. As we grow older we learn how our actions affect others positively or negatively. We learn we can make others happy or sad. We begin to learn how our ability to make others happy has an effect on our own happiness.

The world exists as exchanges of energy. If negative energy goes out then negative energy comes back. If someone robs a liquor store, the police come after the person and incarcerate him or her. If someone makes a large financial donation to a good cause, the newspapers write about this person’s generosity for all to know. There is a constant interplay between positive and negative energy in the world, and you want to be on the receiving end of positive energy. This is really the only decent place to be. When positive energy comes to us, we feel better and the world is a better place to us. This simple rule is so easy to follow.

We exist in a consumer-driven society where so many of our desires are shaped by things outside of us. For example, many people evaluate their happiness based on their material possessions. People strive to earn the money to purchase the best house and car they can. They want nice furniture and watches. They want to travel to the best places. Many people evaluate their own self worth based on their ability to accumulate these possessions. This is the way of the Western world. What this sort of consumer culture does, however, is focus almost exclusively on the act of accumulating various things. It does not emphasize the act of putting out positive energy and instead bases everything on taking in energy. This constant taking in often violates laws of the universe which demand equal exchanges between opposite forms of energy. Instead of being focused on taking things in, we need to be focused on putting out positive energy.

This brings me back to the act of being nice. Several years ago, I was listening to Deepak Chopra speak and he was making a similar point. He said whenever he visits someone’s home, he always brings them a flower. In bringing people a flower, he is trying to set up a dynamic of being nice and sending out positive energy. Sending out positive energy is something that comes back to you every single time.

There is a best selling career book called Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office. The message of this book is if you worry about offending others, are forthright when explaining information, and make sure your decisions are popular, you will never get ahead. The idea behind the book is that in being nice to others you will not be successful. I believe the opposite is true. When you are nice to others you send out the sort of energy which gets you ahead.

Some years ago I was at a seminar and met a woman who had been a partner at a large and important law firm, but had quit after a year. She was now a real estate agent and I got the sense she was struggling a little. She told me about how she had been working with the law firm and did not become partner until she demanded it and turned mean. She told me people had walked all over her in her job until she became mean. When I asked her to give me some examples, she did not have any. She simply said they did not make her partner.

I think the woman ended up getting fired from her job within a year of making partner. She had worked for the firm for almost 10 years, and within a year of deciding the best thing for her to do was to become ”a bitch,” she had lost her job. Being mean simply does not work.

I have seen this happen in my own life and with people who have worked for me as well. Recently, I had someone working for me who was extremely competent in all respects. The person was working very close with me and I was extremely impressed. For some reason, however, this person could not get along with others outside my office. One day, she called and screamed at a co-worker for no apparent reason. She also refused to follow instructions. Somehow, she’d come to believe it was good to be mean to others, to attack others savagely, and to not follow orders. The person was quickly let go despite her competence in other areas.

Who knows how this person rationalized losing her job to herself? If she had just been nice to others she would still be happily employed. Instead, this person ended up losing her job and poisoning the people around her who were working for her in the process. When someone sends out negative energy, it does a lot of damage.

You need to be nice to others. This is the most important thing you can do in your job. Let the negative energy of others flow right through you and be nice in response. The way to get ahead is to be liked, not feared and hated.

We want to work with people who are nice. Companies need people who are nice. It is important to be nice. I want to be very clear that by being nice I am not talking about being a doormat. When you are nice and place the needs of others on the same level as your own, you are simply being smart. Being nice is the smartest thing you can possibly do in your career.

Address Small Weaknesses For Big Gains

What You Will Learn Be aware of your weaknesses and take the appropriate action to fix them. You need to address small weaknesses because they tend to have a major impact on you. You need to do everything in your power to make sure you pay great attention to critical opinions from others. Never justify your mistakes – take measures to improve yourself.

Several months ago I was trying to sell a commercial property and had the most ridiculous time contacting the selling agent.  I would get a call that would go something like this:

“Hi, I have an offer on the property.  Please call me back to discuss.”  These calls would typically come at 7:00 am or 9:00 pm, during which I was generally unreachable.

Excited about the offer, I would call the agent back. I would try him two or three times throughout the day and never reach him.  This process would go on for days.  In one case, I could not reach him for over one week.

Although I do not like to go into detail about people’s strengths and weaknesses, I can say with confidence this particular agent had enough business at the time he should not have been using a cell phone to run his business.  Instead, he should have had an assistant scheduling all of his calls or at least forwarding him his messages.

One time, after over a week of trying to reach this guy I finally tracked down the agent’s brother and explained to him I could not reach the agent and needed to speak with him immediately.  The agent’s brother was also an agent in the same real estate firm.  Around 15 minutes later my real estate agent called me back:

“Who the hell are you to be calling my brother?  He does not need to know when I am returning my calls and not doing so.”

“You called me 10 days ago and said you had an offer,” I told my agent.  “I have another offer on the property and need to know whether to take it or not.”

“I do not care!  You should not be calling my business partner!”

“Listen, you need to stop running your business from a cell phone,” I told him.

“You have no idea what you are talking about.  I have probably the best reputation of any real estate agent around here. I run my business the right way.”

“No you don’t. You need an assistant.  No one should have to spend over a week trying to get in touch with you. It makes no sense.”

The agent then hung up on me.  It would be two more days before I would know the details of the sketchy offer his client was proposing.

A few weeks ago I learned this agent was under investigation from the state for various reasons, including not having renewed his real estate license and operating his business without a license.  This detail, like the cell phone, may seem like a small one, but life and our jobs are often in the details.

So many people’s careers are stalled and in many cases derailed because they refuse to listen to various forms of advice to improve themselves.   People often believe at some point they have “succeeded” and any subsequent advice they receive is something that is unnecessary.

Many people will do one annoying thing in their job over and over again and not realize it may sabotage their entire future.  Eventually people notice and this causes their careers to stall again and again.

One of the hardest things for all of us to do is to be aware of our weaknesses and take the appropriate action in response.  However, very few of us do this. Instead, we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.  Fixing the mistakes that people are bringing to our attention is something very few of us have the ability to do.

People often succeed for very simple reasons.  For example, one of the most common reasons people succeed is because of their ability to practice something over and over again.  Another reason for success is an uncanny ability to network or get along with people.  Just as people succeed for the smallest reasons, so, too, do they fail for the smallest reasons.

Several years ago a very intelligent young man was working for me while applying to law schools.  Because he seemed to have a good amount of potential, I started seeing if there were other areas inside the company where I could use him.  We had recently launched a company and I asked him to come up with “The Top 101 Reasons” someone should be using the company. 

After a week I met with him and he had only come up with 15 reasons. I was very surprised but told him to come back the next week with 101 reasons.

Like many people, he came up with one explanation or another about why he could not do this.  I listened, told him that was fine but I wanted 101 reasons and anyone interested in being a lawyer should be able to come up with 101 reasons to use something quite easily.

The next week he came back and he had about 40 reasons but many of the reasons were very similar to the 15 he had listed originally.  I gave him a 15 minute lecture about the importance of applying himself and doing good work and being creative.  The next week he came back with about 60 reasons and said for the life of him he could not come up with more.  Over the next 10 minutes or so, I sat with him and quickly listed an additional 41 reasons.  All I needed to do was be creative, and it was quite simple.

In spite of getting a 99% on the Law School Admissions Test and graduating from a good college with an “A” average this young man still did not know how to be creative.

“What are you going to do if you are defending a client in court?” I asked him.  “How are you possibly going to be able to defend someone if you cannot think on your feet?  You need to be able to argue a point with convincing reasons all day long.”

“I don’t know,” he told me.

He ended up going to law school and getting a job with a good law firm. I wish him the best.  I never in a million years would want to use him as my attorney, though.  This weakness is something he needs to improve upon.  It is one thing that could hold him back permanently and ruin what could otherwise be an illustrious career.

This particular man could not apply himself creatively.  He could probably do a lot of other things very well.  However, this is a huge weakness if you want to be an attorney.  This is the sort of weakness that could literally stop him in his tracks.  When he gets into a law firm and starts being called upon to be creative and create arguments, his inability to do so will likely be a real turn off to his employers.  These same people will stop giving him work and may then give the work to others.  Pretty soon no one may want to work with him.  He will then need to find another job.  This process could go on for a couple of decades unless the guy deals with the situation.

Small weaknesses have a major impact on us unless we address them.

One of my first legal jobs required me to be a very good proofreader.  While I could proofread things very well, my real interest was always in making in-depth legal arguments.  However, I was writing legal opinions for a judge and punctuation and proofreading was extremely important.  I learned and, after a couple of very stern lectures, I addressed this weakness.  When I got into private practice and worked for a law firm I never had a problem with this.  However, over the past several years I no longer carefully proofread my work and have others do it.  Recently I read something one of my former employees posted online about how I am a terrible writer and stupid because my work is not well-proofed when I give it to the proofreaders in our company.  This is an example of my weakness coming back to haunt me.  Our weaknesses will always come back to haunt us and people will always call us on these weaknesses.

About a year ago I was deluged with venture capitalists trying to give money to my business. I never took any money by the way. Due to their sudden interest in giving me money, I started reading books about venture capital because I did not even know what it was.  I am someone who helps people get jobs and not someone who understands high finance.  One book was written by a venture capitalist talking about things he looks for in the Chief Executive Officer of the company when he is making an investment.  He recounted how the venture capitalist came very close to making a $100,00,000 investment in a company but pulled out at the last minute.  The reason?  The CEO had the habit of coming into work and staying in his office.  He never left his office or walked around the company.  He viewed this as a huge fault because no one in the company ever saw him.  Apparently this was something he’d also been criticized for throughout his career.  Due to this one personality foible, the venture capitalist did not make the investment. 

When many of us are confronted by our employers with various weaknesses we react in a manner that is not appropriate.  We try to blame the person who is giving us feedback and find reasons they are wrong.  We may provide them with a series of ridiculous justifications and explanations as to why they are wrong and not making any sense.  We may point to someone else who possesses the same issue they are bringing to our attention.  This is a huge mistake.  If someone is going out of their way to bring a weakness of yours to your attention, you need to do everything within your power to make sure you pay attention.  You often do not get a second chance to address a weakness.  You need to always do what you can to address your weaknesses because one small thing could hold you back. Examples:

Not having an assistant and running a big business by cell phone.

Not proofreading your work carefully enough.

Not leaving your office to talk to people.

Not pushing yourself to be creative in a profession where it is required.

You have weaknesses. I am confident of this.  All of us do.  What are yours?  Fix them!  If you cannot fix your weaknesses, find a profession where these weaknesses do not matter and people do not care about them.  If you are in a profession where these weaknesses are holding you back, you need to quickly address them.

Many people know their weaknesses and they have been reminded of them again and again throughout their careers. They will often deny their weakness is an issue.  They will continually find reasons to justify what is going on is not a weakness–otherwise they would not be doing well.  This can happen in your personal or your work life.  Many people simply cannot address their weaknesses.

I know a man who in his late 30s never had a girlfriend for more than two weeks.  He is good looking and successful.  He has a good personality and is very easy to talk to.  He does not have any major personality or other weaknesses except one: he is incredibly cheap.

A gorgeous girl could walk up to him and start talking to him and he might get her phone number.  He would then go over to her house and pick her up for a dinner date.  Typically the girl would be all dressed up and excited to be going out with such a seemingly great guy.  She would be in for a surprise.  He would take her to a restaurant like Burger King for dinner.  In the car he would explain to her he always likes to “go Dutch” on his first few dates.  The woman would be astonished not only because she was taken to a fast food restaurant, but also because she was forced to pay for her share of the meal.

It gets worse, however.

In the car he might bring up the fact he really likes the girl and there is no reason she should have to share the expense of the gas required to get to Burger King.  Once he gets to the restaurant, he would only order something like french fries because he will have eaten a peanut butter sandwich or something before going out on the date to save money.  If he manages to ever get a girl to come to his apartment, she would be astonished to find he is an attorney living in a 300 square foot studio apartment in a bad neighborhood with furniture that looks like it was purchased at a garage sale.

I have no idea what this guy does with all his money.  He does not use drugs and he does not support his parents.  I think he just has an aversion to spending a single cent.  I remember about 10 years ago a girl I was dating at the time sat him down to have a conversation with him about this because she thought the entire thing was so bizarre.  He is a good-looking successful guy with a good personality and girls would go out with him and date him in a second were it not for this.  She tried everything she could to show him the error of his ways.  I tried this before and at least one other person I know tried this.

“Are you kidding?  Girls love me! I do not need to do anything differently,” he always said.  He is still denying this is an issue today.  He could fix this. I do not know if it would require therapy, but he could fix it.  Once he fixes it his life will change.  He will know more people and have a different life.  This one thing is holding him back, and he is in denial this is the reason his is so alone.  It is very sad but it would be easy to fix.

Are you in denial about something you’re doing? You never want to be in denial about anything that can be improved and would change your life for the better.  You need to do everything within your power to address small weaknesses that may be holding you back.

The worst thing we can possibly do is be delusional about our small weaknesses.  When most people are confronted with a weaknesses they may choose to not pay attention.  Pay attention to your small weaknesses.

The worst possible thing we can do when someone confronts us with our small weaknesses is to lash out and attack them.  Many of us will discredit the messenger and tell them there is something wrong with them.  It is not our fault. There is something wrong with the messenger.

One of the most astonishing things that ever happened to me was several years ago when I lived with a woman I’m no longer dating.  For many years, I liked to go to 7-11 in the morning and get a Big Gulp Diet Coke which I would drink when driving to work.  One day I went to the 7-11, got my Coke, and as I was driving to work I decided it didn’t have enough ice.  Since I was close to home, I decided to get some more ice there. I must have been very quiet when I went into the house because after I got my ice I overheard my significant other in the back yard talking on a cordless phone.

“I just want Harrison to go out of town,” I heard her say. “I am sick of having to meet in hotel rooms for illicit sex with my other boyfriend during the day when Harrison is not home.  I want to spend some quality time together sipping wine and just getting to know him.  I cannot do this when Harrison is around.”

This particular person had been through a series of relationships which always ended because she could not commit.  I thought this history was behind her and we could have a relationship.  I was wrong.

I continued to listen to her conversation for the next 30 minutes. She went into vivid detail about how she was having a full-on affair with someone else.  I was absolutely astonished at what I was hearing and I remember my knees going weak and my body sinking to the floor.

My significant other eventually ended the conversation and walked into the kitchen where I was collapsed on the floor, my heart racing and feeling extremely confused and angry.

“Why aren’t you at work?” she asked.

“I just heard your entire conversation,” I said.  “I’m sorry.  I came home to get some ice and did not mean to but I overheard you talking on the phone.  I’m in a state of shock.”

My significant other stared at me for about 15 seconds without saying a word.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” she said.  “I was talking to my mother about the dog.  You must have been hearing things.”

This was one of the more astonishing episodes of my life.  I was confronting her with irrefutable evidence of philandering and she simply denied she’d said any such thing.  She turned the evidence around and tried to say I had literally heard a conversation in my head that was not actually spoken.  In this case, the messenger of this information was me and I was attacked.  Had it been someone else who had overheard this I am confident his or her reliability would have been attacked as well.  When many people feel criticized they attack the messenger instead of facing the problem or weakness head on.  As far as I know, this person is still unable to commit.  Who knows how this is affecting her life.  I imagine if she could address this one weakness she would be much happier.

Despite whatever success you have had, there is a good chance there is a weakness you have that is holding you back.  Do not blow this weakness off.  If someone brings the weakness to your attention, address it and do not attack the messenger.  Our greatest improvements come when we fix small things that are holding us back.