Depression, Health, Boredom, Interesting People and Self Esteem
November 25, 2009
What You Will Learn
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I remember my first encounters with the self improvement industry when I was younger. In many areas of the United States, people look at self improvement as something that is absolutely crazy. This is how the people around me viewed it when I was growing up. When I think about self improvement, however, I think about people doing things like:
- …trying to improve their mood and level of happiness,
- …trying to improve their health,
- …trying to become interested in new things,
- …trying to meet other interesting people,
- …trying to improve their self esteem.
This is for the most part what self improvement is all about–these five things mentioned above. It takes on different forms (and some people make one or more of these issues their sole focus) but this is essentially what self improvement is all about. The people who do these five things well are the ones that experience the most change and live the best lives.
I have spent a lot of time with people who focus on these five things and I can tell you that they have usually managed to transform their lives into something that is so far beyond what I saw growing up, it is unbelievable. Some of these people own islands in exotic places. Others have the partners of their dreams. Others have confidence they have used to forge amazing careers on the world stage. Others have more friends than they can count. Focusing on these five areas and learning to excel in them can mean the difference between your living the life of your dreams–or just an average life.
When you start thinking about the “average” person out there you start to realize that what is going on in the world is not inspiring for everyone. I have heard the average adult American often described as someone who
- …is mildly depressed.
- …is at least 25 pounds overweight and unhealthy.
- …is bored most of the time.
- …does not know many interesting people.
- …has low self esteem.
This description of the average person is, in my opinion, quite true. When you go to the average town in America these are the kinds of people you meet. These people comprise many of my relatives and I am sure they comprise many of your relatives as well. This may even describe you as well. Many people fit the above description.
I am not being judgmental about this; however it is extremely important to point this out because, all in all, it relates to you. These characteristics of (1) depression, (2) being overweight, (3) being bored, (4) not knowing interesting people and (5) having low self esteem are all things that hold the average person back. In contrast, the people who seem to have the most success in everything they do fight the tide that seems to naturally draw people towards each of these pitfalls.
Make no mistake about it: there is a tide out there that is pushing most of us to be depressed, unhealthy, bored, around boring people and have low self esteem. If you think about it, this is where the greater weight of the world is pushing most people–and it is pushing you too. Reverse this tide and spend your life fighting for the opposite, and you will experience much more success and happiness than you can imagine.
1. You Need to Fight Against Depression in Your Life. Being depressed is a huge danger. When you are depressed you are less effective in everything you do because you spend most of your energy focused on negative thoughts. You look at the world in a negative manner and see unhappiness instead of happiness. The world does not look like the fun place it should and, instead, it appears to be an unpleasant place–sometimes extremely so. You see only obstacles, not opportunity. You do not have the energy you need to complete things and succeed.
According to a recent USA Today article:
The number of Americans using antidepressants doubled in only a decade, while the number seeing psychiatrists continued to fall, a study shows. About 10% of Americans — or 27 million people — were taking antidepressants in 2005, the last year for which data were available at the time the study was written. That’s about twice the number in 1996, according to the study of nearly 50,000 children and adults in today’s Archives of General Psychiatry. Yet the majority weren’t being treated for depression. Half of those taking antidepressants used them for back pain, nerve pain, fatigue, sleep difficulties or other problems, the study says. http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-08-03-antidepressants_N.htm
Despite these numbers, it is certain that the number of people who are depressed is much higher than the number of people using antidepressants, and probably several times so.
In order to fight depression, it is important that we take numerous actions in our daily lives. For example, we should do our best to avoid being around depressed people because their attitudes will wear off on us. It is also difficult to be depressed when you are moving and active; therefore, keeping active is important. Being around inspiring people and events can help you avoid being depressed too, as can exercise and a healthy diet. Talking through your problems can help you avoid being depressed. Dwelling on positive thoughts and accomplishments can also help you stay in a happy, healthy state of mind. Seeing a doctor or therapist if you are depressed for too long is also a good idea to get guidance.
2. You Need to Fight Being Overweight and Unhealthy. Numerous studies have linked obesity to all sorts of other problems:
“Research Links Obesity with Depression, Other Mood Disorders”
By Lindsey Tanner, Associated Press | July 10, 2006Despite the stereotype, fat people are not more jolly than people of normal weight, according to a study that instead found obesity strongly linked with depression and other mood disorders.
Whether obesity might cause these problems or is the result of them is not certain, and the research does not provide an answer, but there are theories to support both arguments.
Depression often causes people to abandon activities, and some medications used to treat mental illness can cause weight gain. On the other hand, obesity is often seen as a stigma, and overweight people often are subject to teasing and other hurtful behavior.
The study of more than 9,000 adults found that mood and anxiety disorders, including depression, were about 25 percent more common in the obese people studied than in the non-obese. Substance abuse was an exception: Obese people were about 25 percent less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol than slimmer participants.
The results, which appear in the July issue of Archives of General Psychiatry, “suggest that the cultural stereotype of the jolly fat person is more a figment of our imagination than a reality,” said Dr. Wayne Fenton of the National Institute of Mental Health, which funded the study. “The take-home message for doctors is to be on the lookout for depression among their patients who are overweight.”
Both conditions are quite common. About one-third of US adults are obese, and depression affects about 10 percent of the population, or nearly 21 million US adults in a given year.
Previous studies produced conflicting results on whether obesity is linked with mental illness including depression, although a growing body of research suggests there is an association.
This latest study helps resolve the question, said Dr. Susan McElroy, a psychiatry professor at the University of Cincinnati and editor of a textbook on obesity and mental disorders.
The number of Americans who are overweight and unhealthy is incredible, as reflected in the following government statistics from 2005-2006:
Percent of non-institutionalized adults age 20 years and over who are overweight or obese: 67% Percent of non-institutionalized adults age 20 years and over who are not obese: 33% Percent of adolescents age 12-19 years who are overweight: 18% Percent of children age 6-11 years who are overweight: 15% Percent of children age 2-5 years who are overweight: 11% http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/overwt.htm
Being overweight and obese has numerous side effects that can hurt you from reaching your full potential in your career and life. For example, obesity can have a major impact on whether you are hired or promoted by certain employers:
Employment provides an outlet for social discrimination. There is evidence that obesity causes discrimination in work settings. With different reasons relating to obesity, employers have specific ways to avoid hiring obese people. Job placement and promotion are affected by obesity and gender compounds weight discrimination.
Why do Employers not hire those who are Obese?
Stereotypes can lead employers not to hire an obese person. People who are obese are seen as “less desirable” employees who, compared with others, are less competent, less productive, not industrious, disorganized, indecisive, inactive, and less successful..” (Larkin, 1979, pg. 315-316). Employers have three main reasons to not hire an obese person. Employers use store image, insurance costs and future health conditions, and physical limitations as reasons not to hire obese people. http://www.uhh.hawaii.edu/academics/hohonu/writing.php?id=111
It is difficult news to digest, but if you are going to reach your full potential in your career and in your life, obesity is something you need to fight against as much as you possibly can. Maintaining a healthy weight is something you should do your best to achieve, as doing so will benefit you both professionally and personally. Obesity has been shown to relate to the quality of our moods and productivity; therefore, in order to succeed you need to make sure that you are as psychologically and physically fit as possible.
You should develop a dietary plan and strategy that enable you to have the best health possible. You also need to stick to an exercise plan that allows you to stay fit.
Maintaining your ideal weight can help you live much longer and can give you the energy and focus to do well in your career. In addition, exercise can help alleviate stress. Virtually every very successful person I know has made exercise and weight control a priority in their lives, and it is something that they are continually striving to maintain. You too should make this a priority.
3. You Need to Do Fun Things and Have Various Interests, so You Are Not Bored. I am not sure why this is; however, the most happy and successful people out there generally have strong interests in one or many things outside of work, and they are never bored. The strong outside interest could be something as simple as fly fishing, or it could be contemporary literature, for example.
Hobbies and interests are a great way for us to relieve stress and they are helpful in allowing us to divert our focus away from the subject of our work to something completely unrelated. In addition, hobbies expose us to people with similar interests, which helps us make friends.
It is important that you have interests and do things you enjoy when you are not working. These interests could require you to read or learn new things. Regardless of what you choose to do, having outside interests will make you more interesting and will make your life fuller.
When you are bored you tend to wallow. Wallowing typically will not lead to your making the most of yourself. When you wallow, for example, you tend to get depressed and you tend to eat more and be unhealthy. You need to put yourself in a place wherein you are occupied, alert and interested. Being interested in outside things will also make you more interesting to others, which will lead to your being more successful as well.
4. You Need to Spend Your Time with and Seek out Other Interesting People. It is important that you spend your time with people who are interesting and are also seeking to succeed, like you are. If you are around people with the shared goals of avoiding depression, being healthy and having outside interests, the odds are very good that you will be similarly motivated as well, and can keep each other on track.
When you are around interesting people, you will find yourself becoming more like them as well. The benefit of spending your time around accomplished people is that the people that are part of the group challenge each other and support each other to grow. You will see other accomplished people setting goals, and you will imitate them by setting your own goals, for example.
You should seek out interesting people in your life and do your best to be around them. Interesting people will “pick you up” and help you grow and become more accomplished. They will also keep you engaged, help you from being bored, and connect you with opportunities that interest you.
5. You Need to Work on Your Self Esteem. Nothing can hold us back like having low self esteem. I have seen people with very little talent rise to great heights due to nothing more than the sheer force of their self esteem. It is important that you do everything that you can to develop your self esteem. The better you feel about yourself, the more you can accomplish, and the more strength you will have to finish whatever projects you start.
Self esteem comes from many places, and many people base their self esteem on things they have done in the past. Other people base their self esteem on what other people say about them. Other people base their self esteem on their weight, or how good their job is. The thing about self esteem is that it really needs to be internal and should be unwavering, no matter what stage of life we are in or how we may feel we are doing at something. Self esteem should be a constant and we should make every effort to continually feel good about ourselves, because not doing so will hurt us tremendously.
There are many methods to improve your self esteem such as journaling, therapy, self hypnosis, engaging in activities you are good at that give you reinforcement, and others. Everyone will have their own solutions and ideas about what they can do to improve their self esteem. The important thing is that you do whatever you can to insure you have high self esteem because not doing so will hold you back and prevent you from becoming the person you are capable of becoming.
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In order to be everything you are capable of being, it is essential that you fight against (1) depression, (2) being overweight and unhealthy, (3) being bored, (4) not knowing interesting people and (5) having low self esteem. Your daily activities and goals should relate to bringing yourself up in each of these categories, as you rise to meet life’s many challenges.
Your Perceptions Will Control Your Outcome and Life
January 8, 2009
What You Will Learn
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When I was in middle school my girlfriend announced to me she was going to be trying out for the cheerleading squad. Our relationship consisted mainly of us riding our bikes to school together each day. Occasionally, I might call her after school. The cheerleading squad in our school cheered for the basketball team. I attended a public high school in middle school and the basketball team was the most important one in the school. The entire gym filled up with students, parents and teachers every Friday night. Everyone was very enthusiastic about it.
“You should try out for the basketball team,” she told me.
I had never been good at basketball. In fact, it was my worst game and not something I really enjoyed. However, the more I started hearing about this basketball team and what a big deal it was, the more I realized I needed to try out for it if I had any hope of hanging on to my girlfriend. It was a little bit more complicated than that.
I had just left elementary school and come to this new school and, because my girlfriend happened to be popular, I was meeting a bunch of new guys and sitting at the right table in the lunch room. Unfortunately, I realized all of the people she was friends with were also basketball players. I am not sure how it happened, however, I was hanging out with the basketball crowd. We were all very clean-cut and got good grades and sat at lunch looking like good kids. These kids were pretty boring compared to the sorts of kids I would eventually be friends with, but I was tolerating it. Their mothers typically packed their lunches, for example, and they bought milk in the cafeteria. Their sandwiches would be neatly wrapped in wax paper or little plastic sandwich bags and they would have an apple and maybe some chips . My mother had never packed lunch in my life. I would sit there at lunch with a couple of Ho Hos I bought from the vending machine with some change I’d scooped from the bottom of my mother’s purse. I have no idea how I fit in with these kids to this day.
I went home and told my mother about this dilemma. I told her I needed a basketball net built immediately over the garage because tryouts were in three weeks. My mother grew up in a town where athletics were very important, and she had a strange history with obscure sports. I think she’d actually been a state champion in ping pong when she was younger
My mother reacted in a way I’ve never seen when I told her I needed a basketball net. For example, once I told her I needed a desk in my room and she told me that was nice but I could study on the floor or on the kitchen table. When a spring came through my mattress that was a hand-me-down from my mother’s mother after she died my mom told me to flip it over. The basketball net was different.
“Oh my! There is no basketball net for you to practice on? We need to fix this right away!” She grabbed her cigarettes, made a drink, and started calling her friends to get recommendations for contractors and so forth. She found one that would come over in the afternoon. I was incredulous because I had never seen my mother react to anything this way. I went to my room to watch re-runs of Three’s Company. An hour or so later she popped her head in my room:
“Hurry!! The sporting goods store closes in 30 minutes. Let’s go.” I’ve got some blue collar roots and my mom was very aware of what was important in life. When we got to the store she purchased me the most expensive basketball backboard they had. The next morning I got home from school and there was the most professional contractor my mom had ever hired putting the finishing touches on the basketball backboard. He was going around with a leveler and making sure it was perfectly installed. My mom usually cut corners with contractors but not this guy. I was old enough to know he was really good at what he did.
My mom came home from work early to make sure the backboard was installed properly. She even demanded the contractor install some lights so I could practice at night.
For the next couple of weeks I must have practiced at least three or four hours a day. I hit shots from every direction I possibly could, I practiced layups and every conceivable type of shot. I was getting really good at making shots and starting to really enjoy basketball. Meanwhile, not only did my girlfriend make the cheerleading squad, she was chosen to be the captain. She rode her bike over to see how I was doing with my practice one Saturday afternoon.
“We’ll both be captains!” she told me with approval.
When the day of the tryouts for the basketball team finally arrived I felt I was ready. While I had gotten very good at making shots, the thing I had not prepared for was the fact that none of my shooting abilities mattered if I could not make it to the net. Basketball is as much about footwork as it is about making shots. The most damaging aspect of my tryouts came when I was running defense against a very good player and instead of slapping the ball I slapped his nose by mistake with the palm of my hand. Hard. He fell down to the gym floor with blood pouring out of his nose. After that I realized I probably would not make the team. Kids thought this was funny and word of this quickly got around the halls of the school. I remember walking to class and people jokingly getting out of the way like I was going to clock them in the face. The guy I had hit showed up with a giant piece of tape across his nose the next day. I did not make the team.
How we feel about ourselves is all due to what we tell ourselves certain things will mean. I told myself if I did not make the basketball team my girlfriend would no longer like me. I told myself my friends would no longer want to be friends with me if I did not make the basketball team.
When you are thinking about your life you need to ask yourself a few things:
- Is how you feel determined by the economy?
- Is how you feel determined by how others treat you?
- Is how you feel determined by how you think others perceive you?
- Is how you feel determined by the things you own?
The truth is how you feel is determined by how you direct your mind. The ability to direct your mind and control your emotional and psychological states is about the most important tool you can possibly have. Very few people have the ability to control their minds and their states. You need to be able to control how you feel about yourself and your emotions. I read the papers every day and most of the human interest stories I read are about people who are not able to control their minds and their states. Lately I have been reading a lot of stories about people who have been committing suicide due to dire economic circumstances. These people are not controlling their states. We also continually hear stories about stars and others who die due to drug overdoses. These people are using drugs to try and control how they feel, and it ends up killing them. When I think about people like Chris Farley and Marilyn Monroe, I am thinking about people who, despite an incredible amount of success, could not control how they felt. One of the best writers of all time, Ernest Hemingway, ended up killing himself. He, too, could not control how he felt. Despite a wonderful world around him he did not care.
You really need to control the meaning you give things and the meaning you allow things to have. The meaning you give things will control the quality of your life.
When my girlfriend found out I did not make the basketball team she did not appear to care at all. She was really nonchalant about the whole thing and told me she was sorry about this. Unfortunately, the meaning I gave this was quite severe. I immediately assumed she would no longer like me at all. The next day I told her that I needed to go to school at a different time and did not ride my bike with her to school. At lunch I felt really out of place with my new friends who had all made the basketball team. That was all they talked about at lunch. In class, several of my teachers started talking about the first game. Despite some decent friendships, I started to feel like I did not belong with this athletic crowd because I hadn’t made the team. I felt like I’d failed horribly. I started blowing off my girlfriend more and more. I started sitting at other tables at lunch and associating with different sorts of kids.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I did not really like her all that much so I was not too upset. I knew it was coming. I had allowed myself to get really depressed when I did not make the basketball team. The real low came about a week after the breakup when she called me one day after school and told me she’d bought me a Christmas gift when we were dating and still wanted me to have it. She showed up at my house with half the cheerleading squad who all watched me open the board game Yahtzee.
“Wow Yahtzee!! I have always wanted this.” What a pathetic sight it must have been seeing me open that board game. I could not hug her. I could just stare at this board game with 6 gorgeous cheerleaders standing in my messy bedroom with my ex-girlfriend looking on smiling.
In retrospect, I now realize that not much would have changed with my friends, my relationship, and more if I had not told myself my failure to make the team represented something it did not. Like people who kill themselves because they cannot control their emotions, I, too, could not control my emotions and what I was telling myself. The thought that crossed my mind was the head of the cheerleading squad would only want to be with someone who was also the captain of the basketball team. On yet another level, I thought the basketball players would only want to be friends with someone who was also a basketball player. The more I thought about all this the less worthy I felt and the more I felt like I needed to fit in somewhere else completely.
Within a short time of not making the basketball team I had made new friends who were not athletes and who were more dedicated to getting into trouble than anything. My grades plummeted and were so bad the next year my parents enrolled me in a different school. Most of this happened because of what I told myself not making the basketball team meant.
I remember one public high school I attended had a small enclosed courtyard where students were allowed to smoke between classes. These kids wore jean jackets or leather jackets and grew their hair long. These were the bad kids. They also would get stoned out there, and the school must have known about it. These were all kids who at some point probably had dreams, too, but gave up somewhere along the way and looked for a way out of their presumed failure. They started smoking and using drugs and living a life of which they could never be proud. Who knows what sent them over this edge. It could have been a bad grade in an important class, it could have been the divorce of their parents, it could have been a nasty breakup. What I do know is that in the year I attended that school I witnessed kids who were normal and clean-cut go over to the other side and join this group in the courtyard.
People look for things outside themselves to help people control their states and how they feel. Many people feel like they cannot control their emotions and so they start looking for stuff outside of themselves to help them feel good. You pay a hefty price when you are not able to manage your states and how you feel about yourself. There are huge rewards when you know how to manage your states. The rewards for managing your states are happiness and the ability to control your destiny and what happens to you and your life. These rewards are something that can pay huge dividends.
The problem most of us have is we tell ourselves something means something it does not.
- You may have lost a job and represented to yourself that the reason you lost the job was because you are a bad person. You may have lost the job because the company had no money to pay you.
- A relationship may end and you may represent to yourself it is your fault when, in reality, the person who broke up with you is working through some psychological roadmap that existed long before you came along.
- You cannot find a job and you represent to yourself it’s because you are not good enough instead of the fact the economy in the area of the country you are in is horrible.
- High school kids become “stoners” because they represent to themselves they are losers instead of just normal kids suffering through problems.
- I sabotaged my friendships because I represented to myself that not making the basketball team meant I would be rejected by my girlfriend and friends.
Even if something does mean the worst, it does us little good to hold on to this representation. Instead, we should represent the events in our lives to ourselves in a way that empowers us. How could I have reacted differently to not making the basketball team? I could have decided I was cool enough I did not have to play basketball every day to date the captain of the cheerleader squad. I could have told myself despite not being a good basketball player, I could continue to be good friends with the most popular kids in school. All of these interpretations would have empowered me. Instead, I represented the opposite.
The meaning you give things is crucial for your career success. Whatever happens to you in your career you need to choose meanings that make you stronger and not weaker. Bad things happen to everyone and the messages we receive from the world are often not positive. The most important thing you can do is choose meanings that are going to allow you to succeed and do even better. This is what you need to be doing with your career and job right now. You need to ensure you interpret things in a way that serves you and does not hurt you.
Don’t fail to reach your full potential or mistakenly classify yourself as someone who is not fit to succeed at the level at which you’re capable. This is not what you want for yourself. You need to take charge of your mind to have the career and life you are entitled to and deserve.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars.