You Need to Delay Gratification
February 11, 2010
When I was around 14 years old I moved in with my father after living with my mother for my entire childhood. Although I was a good student in elementary school, once I got into middle school there were lots of fun things to do. This included taking my parents’ cars out at night without a license, and riding around on bikes through the neighborhood with other kids. If it was too cold outside, I could always watch television, play video games, or make other trouble indoors.
While I had been a very good student in elementary school, once I got into middle school I was on a downward spiral for several years because there were so many fun things for me to do. My troubles resulted in me getting kicked out of a private middle school and earning a 2.0 GPA my freshman year of high school.
There are lots of reasons why I had so many troubles, but when it came right down to it, the biggest was that when I was living with my mother I had no discipline. For me the most important thing was to enjoy myself at all costs.
I enjoyed watching television more than studying so I did that.
I enjoyed playing video games more than studying so I did that.
At school I enjoyed cutting class more than going to class so I did that.
In fact, I pretty much did whatever I wanted in my search of enjoyment. I remember at the time seeing kids I grew up with whose lives moved in different directions. These kids would study at night, go right home from school to do homework, and pay attention in class. I also remember at the time the kids I was associating with all loved to make fun of these same kids whether it was in class, or elsewhere. It was absurd to me that these kids were working so hard.
When I moved in with my father he was appalled by my grades and scholastic performance, as was I. His first order of business was to make sure I studied for a set number of hours each night. From 7:00 pm until 10:00 pm I was forced to stay in my room and study. For over a year this did little good. I made sure to distract myself with other things besides studying. I would call friends on the phone and chat. I would call girls in school and chat. I would do everything I could to enjoy myself instead of study. In 1995 our family moved to Bangkok, Thailand, where I had no friends and I was again forced to study between 7:00pm and 10:00 pm. Because it was impossible for me to sneak out of our high rise, I had no phone in my room, and no television to watch, I started studying every single evening. Within weeks my grades miraculously improved and my life was on a different path.
When we look at the people who are most successful in the world and their jobs, one of the most common themes to emerge is they have the ability to delay gratification. Every single one of us is interested in enjoying life to the maximum extent possible. However, we need to realize long-term enjoyment of life may require that we delay gratification until a later time. In my case, this meant it was important for me to consistently do schoolwork before other things. Delaying gratification as an adolescent is also something that sets our lives up for significant success in the future. Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled, writes:
While many have a well-developed capacity to delay gratification, some fifteen- or sixteen-year-olds seem to have hardly developed any capacity at all; indeed, some seem even to lack the capacity entirely. These are the problem students. Despite average or better intelligence, their grades are poor simply because they do not work. They skip classes or skip school entirely on the whim of the moment. They are impulsive, and their impulsiveness spills over into their social life as well. They get into frequent fights, they become involved with drugs, they begin to get involved with the police. ‘Play now, pay later’ is their motto. So the psychologists and psychotherapists are called in, but most of the time it seems too late. These adolescents are resentful of any attempt to intervene in their lifestyle of impulsiveness. Even when this resentment can be overcome by warmth and friendliness and a nonjudgmental attitude on the part of the therapist, their impulsiveness is often so severe it precludes their participation in the process of psychotherapy in any meaningful way. They miss their appointments. They avoid all important and painful issues. So usually the attempt at intervention fails, and these children drop out of school, only to continue a pattern of failure that frequently lands them in disastrous marriages, in accidents, in psychiatric hospitals or in jail.
The difference between success and failure in many of our lives comes down to our ability to delay gratification. This is what changed my life and it’s also what can make a difference in your life and career as well. Failure is the result of not delaying gratification. Our lives change when we begin to focus on how we can create long term results by delaying gratification.
People often become addicted to drugs and alcohol due to their inability to delay gratification. Faced with a decision between instant enjoyment and dealing with pain, people often choose substances. We do the same thing with our problems. If we have an issue we do not want to face we may ignore it because facing it would be too difficult for us. For example, if we do not like our jobs we may not face it because to face it would mean we need to look for a different career and give up the daily security of a paycheck, or where we live. But when we delay gratification we are setting ourselves up for better lives and careers.
Not facing problems is something related to our ability to delay gratification. One of the most important things we can do is to confront a problem early. Recently I was reading about what happens to people psychologically when they start to lose money in the stock market. One of the questions I have always asked myself is how people who own a stock often hold on while the stock goes from say $1,000 to $2. This is an incredibly common occurrence and an investor often holds on for months and months while the stock slowly declines to almost nothing. Here is how an investor often thinks while this is occurring:
- Purchases Stock at $500
“I’ll sell as soon as the stock gains or loses 10%.” - Stock goes to $700
“This is great. I’m going to hold on to this stock for awhile.” Does not sell. - Stock goes to $1000
“I’m never going to sell this one.” Does not sell. - Stock falls to $700
“I’ve still made money. This is still a good stock.” Does not sell - Stock falls to $500
“I’m still even.” Does not sell. - Stock falls to $300
“I’ll sell when it gets back to $500.” Does not sell. - Stock falls to $100.
“I told myself I would sell if it lost 10%. I’ll sell when it goes to $450.” Does not sell. - Stock falls to $10.
“I’ll sell when it gets back to $100.” Does not sell. - Stock falls to $5.
“I’ll sell when it gets back to $10. Does not sell. - Stock falls to $2.
“I’ll sell when it gets back to $5. Does not sell.
This may not seem like it’s related to delaying gratification, but avoiding pain until a later date is another manifestation of seeking instant gratification. This entire psychology is extremely common and illustrates how most fortunes are lost in the stock market. When the stock starts going down people do not want to face the immediate pain that they have lost money, so they hold off selling the stock under the hope it will go up in value again. Instead, this aversion to pain continually keeps the person on the edge and they refuse to confront the fact that they have lost money. By not confronting the issue the investors lose even more money. Ignoring problems is a simple expression of the inability or unwillingness to delay gratification. To confront a problem like a massive stock market loss is painful. To confront a problem early on before being forced by circumstances to confront it means to ignore something less painful for something more painful. This is the choice between suffering right now versus present gratification, with the possibility that future suffering won’t be necessary. Our problems will not disappear. The problems we need to confront are a barrier to our future growth.
This is the reason so many people stay in careers and jobs they do not enjoy. One of the reasons people do not sacrifice to get higher degrees is because they want to avoid immediate suffering, despite the fact the education they would receive would likely produce long-term gains. Most of the people who are very wealthy have the power to delay gratification. Albert Einstein wrote that “The most powerful force in the universe is compound interest.” When we save money we are delaying the gratification we would get from spending the money. Many of the wealthiest people in the world know delaying gratification is the key to their success. I recently finished reading a book about Warren Buffett that asserted one of the main reasons for his wealth is he never sells a stock even after it has increased in value. This means he is not paying taxes on capital gains and the money he would have paid in capital gains keeps working for him. This is an example of delaying gratification.
We act mostly out of a desire to avoid pain and gain pleasure. When we procrastinate we do this because we experience less pain from not acting than we do from acting. For example, if we are interested in meeting someone we may not introduce ourselves because we are worried we will be rejected. A better attitude might be to do everything we can to meet that person because he or she could become a lifetime friend or mate. This would be far more valuable to us than the pain of a short brush-off could ever be. The same can be said of dentist trips and doctor visits. We know that the short term pain of seeing the dentist can prevent a much larger problem later. Few people think this way, however, because the desire to avoid pain is so strong. The need to avoid pain is much greater than the desire to gain pleasure.
Everything we do in our life is a push and a pull between long-term and short term rewards. One of the sayings I like is “You can pay now or you can pay later. If you pay later it is always going to be more expensive.” It is always better we pay now. Paying now is something that is in our best interest. When you are confronted with choosing between delaying gratification and not delaying gratification for long-term rewards you are almost always better off delaying gratification. The people who delay gratification are most often the people who experience the most success in their careers and lives.
The Importance of Discipline
February 2, 2009
One of the most popular misconceptions in the world is that the people who end up being the most successful somehow achieve this success through short cuts, not working hard and other miracles of fate. What I do know is that each time someone is able to achieve incredible success without a lot of work and with some luck, multiple news stories will be generated about this event and the person will become almost legendary for their instant success.
Why? Because it is so rare and it gives people an incredible amount of hope. People want to feel that they can get a lucky break, suddenly get extremely rich and never have any worries again for the rest of their lives. This is so rare and occurs so infrequently that the examples of people who were able to achieve this are almost legendary.
What You Will Learn
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In our current culture, athletes, musicians and others are often held up as examples of what anyone can achieve with next to no education and some moxie. While this level of success does happen, it is rare and the success is never all that long term. One of the greatest success stories I remember when I was younger was when Leon Spinks beat Muhammed Ali in 1978. He was suddenly thrust in the spot light and quickly had great fame and fortune. This did not last for long, however. A December 2005 article in The Boston Globe relates:
COLUMBUS, Neb. — At the Columbus Family YMCA on a recent Saturday morning, the Champ punches only a time clock.
The man who dethroned Muhammad Ali on a February night in 1978 in one of the greatest upsets in boxing history puts on his gloves — not the red Everlast boxing gloves, but the orange Rubbermaid cleaning gloves. He methodically gets the cart with the brooms and the cleaning chemicals and gets to work.
A similar story can be told about one of my favorite musicians when I was younger; MC Hammer did not stay on top for long, either. An article about him relates:
“U can’t touch this”, and few could. The song topped charts in 1990 and earned an estimated $30 million. At the top of the ride Hammer had a $12 million dollar mansion in Fremont, CA, 17 luxury cars and a staff of 250.
“Hammer time” was over by 1996, when $13.7 million in the red, he declared bankruptcy. After breaking his leg in 1996 and the murder of friend Tupac Shakur, Hammer experienced somewhat of an epiphany and went back to being “a man of God” (Hammer grew up in a religious environment and was no stranger to spiritual endeavors).
Hammer is now an Evangelist, his shows now consist of prayer, preaching and gospel singing. He lives in a four-bedroom home in Northern California with his wife and 4 children.
The truth of the matter is, people who achieve the greatest success in any calling do not simply have the sort of “luck” that people like Spinks and MC Hammer had. They get consistent results almost indefinitely and continue to build upon themselves over and over again. These results come largely through incredibly hard work.
Over the past several years, I have had the opportunity to spend time with numerous people who have managed to accumulate hundreds of millions of dollars through various enterprises in a legal and ethical manner. One man I am recalling did this in the financial industry, another I am recalling did this with property but was only able to get into property due to income he earned from being a physician.
I have met and spent time with numerous people like this throughout the years.
Recently, I was meeting with a man who is a developer. Up until just a few years ago this developer was a physician. The man has made hundreds of millions of dollars as a developer; however, most of this wealth came about due to investments he made when he had a steady and predictable income as a physician. Being a physician provides people with a steady paycheck that makes banks happy to lend you money for property. Over the course of several decades, this man invested in low cost property and waited a decade or more for the market to turn around in his favor. Keep in mind, however, that none of the incredible riches this man was able to make ever would have been possible unless he had been a physician first.
When I meet successful people like this I am always extremely interested in learning about how they achieved their success and I spend a great deal of time listening to how they work. In the case of this particular individual, I was very interested to learn about his life as a physician. What was so interesting about this was that for 30 years he went into his office each day and had back-to-back appointments from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm, with no lunch hour. He would take appointments throughout the entire day with no rest whatsoever. He had his own practice and set up his life this way. He started out investing in properties with some spare income when he was younger, and then just kept going.
“I’ve never wanted a jet,” he told me as we sipped coffee together and he reflected on the incredible life he had built for himself.
Think about seeing 3-4 people per hour, for 8 hours a day, for 30 years. This is an incredible feat. In order to do this:
- you need to stay on your feet 8 hours a day;
- you need to arrive at work at the same time each day;
- you need to be extremely dedicated to what you are doing;
- you need to stay in good health;
- you cannot go out late at night and report for the office tired the next day;
- you need to have a good staff of people supporting you;
- you need to not allow yourself to get bored and distracted;
- you need to be good at what you are doing to consistently get this may patients; and,
- you need to be honest so people keep coming to see you.
Could you do the same thing day in and day out for 30+ years, every single day, from the same office? Could you stay on your feet every single day? I am not sure if I could handle this task. In reflecting on his success, this physician told me that the secret to being so good at his profession was being incredibly honest with all of his patients and never recommending more of any service than any patient needed. However, when I think about this physician, I know that the secret to his success as both a physician and developer was his ability to be disciplined and do the same job over and over again. If he was unable to do this then he never would have been anywhere near the success that he ultimately was.
He would not have earned as much as a physician.
He would not have qualified for as many mortgages.
He also would not have held on to his investment properties for decades.
The same success that characterizes this developer (whose discipline enabled him to amass hundreds of millions of dollars) also characterizes many of our cultural heroes, such as Warren Buffett. A major cause of Warren Buffett’s success lies in his ability to hold investments for several decades and never sell them. Because he never sells his investments, he never pays capital gains taxes and more and more money continues to go to work for him without being taxed. While a great deal has been written about Buffett, his discipline in executing this one simple strategy is something that is a major cause of his success.
People want great things for their life. I do a lot of reading of various types of motivational books and a lot of what I read simply makes statements like “you can do and be the things you set out to do and be.” People love believing these sorts of thoughts and they are very comforting. However, what most people miss when studying these lines of thought is that you cannot do and be anything without discipline.
The freedom to be like Warren Buffett comes at a cost. Buffett has gone into the same office every day for decades and done his job. He also does his work in a certain way, and according to certain principles, which he does not deviate from. The cost of the freedom to be whatever you want in your life is being disciplined. There are very few success stories out there of people who were able to do incredible things without discipline. They simply do not exist.
You cannot achieve anything in your life just by thinking about it. Instead, you need to actually get out there, do the work, and continue doing the work that is going to lead to the results that you are seeking. Max Weber, a German economist wrote a book called The Protestant Ethic and Spirit of Capitalism that was first published in German in 1934. In the book, Weber came up with what is popularly known as “the Weber thesis.” Here, Weber argues that capitalism as we know it came about when the Calvinist/Protestant ethic influenced great numbers of people to engage in work in the secular world, take part in trade and create their own enterprises in order to make money. Under the Weber Thesis, people become more involved and interested in the “physical” aspects of work in order to receive salvation from God, than the contemplative aspects of life (i.e., prayer) to receive salvation. Weber quotes the writings of Benjamin Franklin:
Remember, that time is money. He that can earn ten shillings a day by his labor, and goes abroad, or sits idle, one half of that day, though he spends but sixpence during his diversion or idleness, ought not to reckon that the only expense; he has really spent, or rather thrown away, five shillings besides. … Remember, that money is the prolific, generating nature. Money can beget money, and its offspring can beget more, and so on. Five shillings turned is six, turned again is seven and threepence, and so on, till it becomes a hundred pounds. The more there is of it, the more it produces every turning, so that the profits rise quicker and quicker. He that kills a breeding sow, destroys all her offspring to the thousandth generation. He that murders a crown, destroys all that it might have produced, even scores of pounds.
The Protestant Work Ethic that developed according to Weber’s analysis, holds that only through hard work can we achieve our desires and dreams. The idea is that there are really no short cuts, and in order to realize long-term success it almost always requires long-term discipline. The most important thing you can do for your ultimate success is have and apply long-term discipline to your work and life. The more discipline you have, the better long-term results you are likely to have.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars.